The Girl Who Knew Too Much
Just me, a glass of wine and my neurotic ideas marked by compulsive thinkingSaturday, February 01, 2003
I'm at home and am pretty sure I have an eye infection. I've done absolutely no homework since i've been here and i think im going to orgasm from the orgy of relaxation i have allowed for myself. only problem is, now i have to go back to school and face all that i have been avoiding this weekend full throttle. such is the price i will pay, and there is always a price for everything. isn't that a kicker? you can't enjoy anything without paying for it later. even a fucking piece of cake makes you feel guilty the next day when you're SURE you see it in your ass. What a joke. Sometimes i wish i could get a neurotic lyposuction of my brain and leave myself with no worries and no ramifications to enjoyment.
Friday, January 31, 2003
I'm going home today and am just finishing my breakfast before i hit the road. I hate the way everything has to be a stress--even the fact that i leave at the correct time from my house. I mean fifteen minutes can make or break you on the highway. So maybe i should bring my emergency im-stuck-in-traffic-on-the-pike-and-i-want-to-kill-myself ciggerette but then i just feel guilty and gross and it's all such a vicious cycle. Will there ever be the correct balance? Last night I was paranoid and couldn't sleep because I was afraid my roommates might use the last of my milk, preventing me from my morning cereal. What is my problem? Jesus, when did i become such a basket case? Everything annoys me/worries me. Sometimes i write it off as a symptom of where i'm living...i.e. strange people, strange house, different lifestyles...but maybe that's just a little Freudian rationalization. (justification?) It's gotten to the point where i think i'm living dangerously if i leave a dirty spoon in the sink. Just slap a sticker on me and call me "anal." Well i better get going or i might be LATE!
Thursday, January 30, 2003
i've felt like buttbrain lately and i'm not sure why. Perhaps it has something to do with the fact that the sex and the city tape i rented doesn't work, yet i still watched it. or maybe i'm just tired. maybe i'm worried about my health. Maybe i am still searching for the missing piece to my life. Maybe i just need a good time away from being by myself.
Monday, January 27, 2003
Why do i miss my parents so much lately? It's like i am yearning for something i don't have and appeasing myself by reveling in my own independence. I don't know what it is i lack that i want so badly but it's something that hits me every morning with a stinging behind my eyes like the tremor introducing an impending storm of tears. I don't feel like myself these days--i don't even know who "myself" is anymore. Maybe thats because you define yourself according to those closest to you...and i have no one truly on the inside right now. But instead of feeling liberated all the time in this sick indulgence of freedom, i feel a lack of identification matched with fearlessness. I wonder if others can notice this. It bothers me that my close friends from the past don't say anything--is it all inside me? do i hide my new thoughts so well? Am i really not different at all? i think that is what scares me the most: that i am not different. That i perceive myself as making leaps and bounds forward into adulthood but i am really still just the same old 16 year old, insecure Ann. The last thing i want is to be insecure. On the dance floor the other night i finally felt the full throttle of my liberation and let loose--really feeling the music. I didn't look around me to see how others were dancing and didn't scope out the boys scoping me..i just danced and felt the music and never have felt so strong. This aching lonliness that i feel is matched with moments such as these--moments where i couldn't be happier that i am utterly alone right now in my journeys. though i think its kind of sickening that i spend more time with my Core team than anyone else...i also think it's responsible. I only wonder how long it will continue. i cannot forsee myself in a relationship any time soon, yet i hope i am not destined to remain unfound.
It's freezing outside and i feel the cold permeating my bones. So I'm 22 now and for the first time I feel old--like I feel a difference from being 21. I finally feel like an adult. I mean think about it: every birthday until now has been an achievement because you are one step closer to something--driving, cigerettes, or drinking. Now i'm only one step closer to 30 and Midlife-im single-i live with my cat(which will never be me because i hate cats, but who knows i also used to hate cheesecake)-i'll never get married-i hate my job-what have i done with my life- crisis. I did, however, have a very nice birthday celebration. For a change i decided against drinking and actually remembering my birthday, seeing as they will only get more depressing from here on out and i feel i will most likely have many birthdays of which to drown myself in alcohol (i.e. 30, 40, 50--if i am so lucky), etc. And you know, i had a wonderful time. There is defenitely something to be said for being sober. Ok time to steal the bathroom from my roommate and get my freezing little ass to school.
