The Girl Who Knew Too Much
Just me, a glass of wine and my neurotic ideas marked by compulsive thinkingSaturday, February 08, 2003
Something about being sick makes me sentimental. Looking back at old pictures i notice how happy i was: my smiles seem so given...my manner so free..my love so exposed. I know my life was far from perfect, but looking back upon it makes it seem pretty near flawless. I would give anything to go back to twinkies and TGIF, MTV and music, Green Day being the most important thing ever to have happened to me. Then there's California: James, love, arms to hold me as I sleep. Someone to share everything with--someone who was essentially my own. That's what being in a relationship can become: ownership. Oh jesus, i don't know if i would ever want to go back to those times for real, but looking at pictures of them makes me know i didn't realize how young and carefree my life was.
Im sick and I want to get drunk. Does this seem strange? I want to smoke and drink and wake up so hungover that i forget i was ever sick. Actually all i really want is a little love.
Thursday, February 06, 2003
So i would like to dedicate this entry to the unusual feeling of contentment i am experiencing in my house. Usually my house does not feel as a home: it is the worst stress in my life at times. However, right now, i feel oddly attached to it. maybe it's because for the first time my roommates are not smoking pot by the tv, dropping ash and food on my clean floors. But i think it is a feeling i will embrace and not question because I feel relaxed and good. Today i went and picked up some information about studying abroad. I don't know how i feel about this: a part of me thinks it would be terribly enthralling and life-altering...another part of me is afraid it is the all too familiar "ann has no sticking power, no ability to stay in the same place and settle down, she runs away." I never stay anywhere and i think it inhibits me from being close to anyone. Like really close. Im finally starting to fit in at school and make friends and now im going to run away to a strange country where i may not even know the language? Why do i always alienate and constantly challenge myself? I think i am afraid to stay in the same place for more than a year--is this healthy? I mean sure, i can see what someone would say to this email--things i've heard before, "you are fearless and strong"
"You are adventurous"
"You will go places"
"the experiences will enrich your soul"
But isn't it also a sign of an unhealthy obsession of never belonging anywhere? never really having a place to call home? is a nomadic life an enriched one? I really don't know. I am torn between safety and excitement--daring and possibly in some respects even more frightening to simply remain.
I am going to change gears now to give a shoutout to the only person who reads my blog. Yes, that's you Party of One. I have loved the friendship that we have forming. It is so refreshing to have you know this address because it allows me to be naked in front of you without having to find the right moment in which a conversation solely about me would form. It is so reassuring to know you read this and still want to be my friend. I do have insecurities...ones i don't like to talk about. I also have an arrogance that i am equally hesitant to show sometimes. (and a really low tolerance for most of the people out there). I just wanted you to know that i truly appreciate and admire you and love the friendship i have found in your company.
I have been seeing myself lately bringing brought down to feeling much as i did in high school: wallowing in self esteem issues. I think it is my team and my school. I am being reminded way too much of the superficiality and stupidity of people from high school. I have always felt different. Sometimes my "difference" makes me feel special..other times it just makes me feel weird. why can't i fit in and be like everyone else? what is it that makes me "different?" It's not that i want to be a sheep but i wouldn't mind the option. is it because im tall? smart? unattractive? intimidating? weird? annoying? it's times like these i wouldn't mind a boyfriend or a boy-something so i could just get a little reassurance. that's what i hate the most...that im letting my team bring me down. i just don't get it.
Wednesday, February 05, 2003
I'm poor--i think i'm rich. i'm unhappy--i fool myself into being content with emptiness and routine. I know i am loved--i convince myself that no one really cares. currently my work is having a going away party for the maintenance man of the building. I am sorry if i feel wrong joining in on a party where i do not even know the person. This of course all transends back to bitterness over my birthday--first and foremost the fact that I was promised a cake and a party and received niether. Bolstered by the fact this was only a week ago and today i am sent out to fanuiel hall to buy a cake for someone else? Someone i don't even know? and then asked to JOIN the celebration? Am i the only one who sees some compromised ethics in this? I have never felt so misunderstood, unappreciated or invisible. There was a time in my life where i would have never let this happen--i used to always be the girl with the party. I frankly do not know who i am anymore. Example: While walking back from buying this alleged cake, a homeless man on a bike passed me by singing, "nowadays you can't be too sentimental. Your best bets are new, baby blue continental. Everybody's talking about..." (Billy Joel's "It's still Rock and Roll to Me" for those of you who may not have caught that). So this man passed me and I thought it was the most amazing thing that there was this man visibly down on his luck, riding a bike and singing Billy Joel of all things. It was too perfect...so i picked up the tune after he passed and proceeded to sing "it may sound funny, but it's still rock and roll to me.." outloud. A simple, effortless moment that made me smile. I find it is these weird completely uncharacteristic urges that i indulge in lately that have brought about the most intimate and heartfelt smiles from my lips. Something about doing an act that no one expects of you and normally you would refrain from...but nothing stops you from doing it, or feeling weird while doing it, brings such fullfillment. Instead of obliging the status quo, you feel suddenly very much like yourself--more like yourself than ever before. These moments both scare and enthrall me--I see myself changing, and i can't help but wonder if other people see it too. I do love my life.
One last plug: The new diet Vanilla Coke is super good.
So i was really naughty: i did not do the numbers for either of my cases in school today. Lock me up, i've been bad. I did, however, read them! Another morning, another bowl of cereal, another long day pending. The air smelled fresh this morning during my run and i couldn't help but feel that rush from having things to do. As much as i complain about always being busy, i think free time almost scares me more. Sure i want to don a bathing suit and sip margaritas under a pink umbrella on a turquoise and camel beach, but the only reason that would feel SOOOO orgasmic is because it is so drastically the opposite from dreary boston marred by tons of work. And as much as my CORE team is exhausting, they are kind of fun as well. There's this little rich Russian who looks like Andy Garcia. I find him oddly arousing. Granted he only goes up to my navel...but we're not talking marriage! I just enjoy his cockiness. mmm...cock.
Monday, February 03, 2003
Just to update you I am still at work, though I found a ray of energy and was able to both enjoy my People Mag and staple those infernal packetts. However, now I am faced with the dreaded last forty five minutes. Can't start anything big, don't want to make it too obvious that I'm essentially jerking off the time, however.
I am relating to Hugh Grant in About A Boy currently with the "unit of time" theory. It is too true when pertaining to a work day. Going to the bathroom with People Magazine--one unit of time. Getting coffee--one unit of time. Saying hello to those peeps in the break room--one unit of time. Finding an excuse to chat with your boss--two units of time. See where I'm going?
God, do you ever have one of those days where nothing goes your way? Like your body just is on a collision course to not function properly, even while doing the most remedial of tasks? Well, welcome to my world today. I mean, fuck, i'm at work and i can't even put together some fucking packetts...which take the intelligence of a two year old. maybe thats it--maybe i am just not challenged here, well there's really no maybe about that, but shouldn't that mean work is a breeze? Do we need to be challenged in order to function properly? All i can tell you is every muscle in my body aches, i'm developing a cough, and i'm taking forever to figure out how to staple some packetts together. I don't even think i'm spelling "packetts" correctly. through this all i can't stop thinking about how Karen stole the People Mag from the break room, hoarded it to her office, and is now not even reading it. I mean i need a little intellectual stimulism or something. Maybe i am developing dislexia. I already know i've made about five spelling errors in this entry that i catch just by eye balling. I wonder if i will ever be happy professionally, or whether i will always have days like this. days where i would give anything for a ray of energy. I suppose it doesn't help that all i have to look forward to this evening is a bagel, a glass of red wine, and some stock problems. Of course if i am feeling productive i could finish the marketing case for wednesday, but given my lack of stapling ability i don't see myself crunching numbers willlingly. LOL. Ok, i have now regressed to "LOLing" in an online diary. I was on the T this morning and this lady was writing in her diary. I couldn't help but think to myself "What a loser." She was all scribbling about how she cried at work the other day and then i remembered that I too wrote in my blog this morning. What distinguishes an internet diary so much to redeem myself from the same "you're pathetic" scrutiny that i afforded this woman. I mean who wouldn't cry at work when they are confined to below zero winds, gray days, and the T at 7 AM each weekday. Besides, judging from her attire she probably has an entry level position which makes less than mine and a 30 year old birthday rapidly approaching. Who am i to be so self-righteous. Ok, interrupt that thought--i just got a visit from the only person here who even notices me...my client-admirer. Of course he made some comment on what i'm wearing, what i'm doing, and almost caught me blogging at work. Luckily i am a quick one. Why is it that older men are the only people in this world who apreciate me? What is it about me that screams, "older men, welcome." This client always tells me i should be a model. That makes me feel important, especially when i know i look like butthole and i have an eye infection. However, sometimes i wonder if he only says this because i'm tall. see, i even see the other side to compliments. He's not telling me i should be a model because i have a striking face or because i have a killer body. No, i just happen to fit the height requirement. And no, I also do not play basketball. Ok, well before i am persecuted for blogging i need to run to the bathroom. I might have to pull some charlie's angel stunt though to avoid my client admirer. if nothing else, he makes me uncomfortable. If only he was 30, 6 foot, rich and handsome my life would be easy and i would be getting great sex.
I am determined to not allow this blog to deteriorate into a bitch fest where it is Ann vs. the stupid people in the world. But man, either i'm going insane or our world is made up of lazy, stupid, close minded people. I mean look beyond your fucking self for one moment. So last night my roommates made Chile. Ok, so you can cook--can you fucking clean? Now the house reaks of chile, i couldn't sleep because i knew they wouldn't clean, and then there's uncomfort of Ann-the-cleaner against Jake and Sean-the-not-clean-so-muchers. Maybe I am just too anal to live with people. I am beginning to think that is the case. Enough complaining, time to get going on this day.
I am determined to not allow this blog to deteriorate into a bitch fest where it is Ann vs. the stupid people in the world. But man, either i'm going insane or our world is made up of lazy, stupid, close minded people. I mean look beyond your fucking self for one moment. So last night my roommates made Chile. Ok, so you can cook--can you fucking clean? Now the house reaks of chile, i couldn't sleep because i knew they wouldn't clean, and then there's uncomfort of Ann-the-cleaner against Jake and Sean-the-not-clean-so-muchers. Maybe I am just too anal to live with people. I am beginning to think that is the case. Enough complaining, time to get going on this day.
Sunday, February 02, 2003
I think the hardest thing in life is finding the correct balance between the three perspectives: yesterday, this moment, and tomorrow. It is so important to be able to enjoy and experience a moment for what it is: this is the basis for the memories that you require in order to learn from your mistakes, build off your accomplishments and grow in relationships and emotion. yet in order to have fullfilling moments, some amount of planning is always needed. It is so easy to bath in the past or obsess over the future and forget about this minute--this day, this second. Just driving in a car your mind can wander and you can forget that one slight move to the right and you will crash. Right now i am trying to enjoy this night for what it is: a night. Not the night before a long day tomorrow or the night after an emotional weekend...but a night that i can make enjoyable if i let go of my perspective.
