The Girl Who Knew Too Much
Just me, a glass of wine and my neurotic ideas marked by compulsive thinkingSaturday, March 08, 2003
Ok, I am having a serious problem. I think i have lost my sex drive. Maybe there just wasn't any chemistry, but i didn't want any of it. I mean i was staring at the wall BORED while my nipples were being licked. What the hell??? Will i ever find someone who will make me enjoy/want sex?I am travelling into the realms of seeming very fucked up to other people and i need to work some shit out--and fast. I will never hook up with anyone again who i did not want to sleep with. How does that sound? Ok i have to go bring my sexually broken body to bed. i feel so fucked up....is there something wrong with me?
Friday, March 07, 2003
It's Friday and I am hit with a rash of laziness. I am at work. I am dying. Although I am excited that we now feature diet root beer in the frig.
Some odd things about me:
-I have developed a paper/writing burn on my finger that lingers since midterms. It seriously is swollen and ugly. As are my hands. i wish i had beautiful hands.
-I was unable to talk my coffee into the library through the gates of some geek. Since when could I not charm myself into getting permission to break the rules? I was shocked...appalled...and he really was a geek. That's prolly why. I could tell he wanted me and my coffee to come in. He got all squirmy.
-I have not hooked up with anyone for almost six months--a personal record. What the hell is my problem? Did i lose my sex drive? I don't even remember what it's like to kiss someone...and i don't really feel much like kissing. I do sort of miss giving head (of all things) and i certainly miss getting sex. Not oral sex, sex sex sex. Wow, ok, maybe I should close my office door....
-Jesus this finger is hideous and it hurts!
-I am driving home after work...well after my 45 minutes T ride and my walk through Gov't Center slush and cold...and there's the trip to Blockbuster (didn't get done this morning)...the gas and the loading of the car. But after all that, I am driving home tonight. Did i mention I also had to dig my car out of six inches of snow? My bad...
-I bought Glamour magazine today for some junk brain food (Spring Break DID start today guys...) and it said guys don't like their ears licked or like to be bite? If this is true I am heartbroken because i love licking and biting.
Well i should probably get my work done so i can start my hour and a half of hell before I'm home (i predict around nine...) ahh....home....warmth...love...who could beat it? Apparently no one because that's where Im spending my break.
Thursday, March 06, 2003
Hot diggity dog i want to go home. It is thursday and yet again it has snowed on my beautiful plans leaving me home, drunk, with a study abroad essay to finish tweeking. I just want to curl up on my nice leather couch at home and never get up. I am rebelling through doing no homework for tomorrow and watching MTV and drinking too much. Im just so sick of living life with too much purpose. There's merit in nothingness if it is coupled with insane drive. I think at least. I hope.
So tomorrow after work i can head home. I found out that finance doesn't start until nine tomorrow, which means i have an extra hour. now most people would think, "oh yeah, i get to sleep in" but not me. I think, ok...should I:
a) get up usual time and then drive to the video store to return the video that i couldn't return today due to the snowstorm
b) get up usual time and spend the extra hour preparing the three cases for tomorrow
c) sleep an extra hour and risk fights over the shower, etc...
d) pack my stuff to go home and load up the car
e) get up usual time and relax while watching tv for an hour
f) get up usual time, go to school usual time and hang out in starbucks for an hour doing homework
AHHHH the decisions! im thinking video, gas and car load up would be the most time saving. Fuck homework, who needs it. Moreover, fuck fucking snow and winter.
Tuesday, March 04, 2003
The CNN Headline News jingle is one of the most annoying marketing gimics in America. The fact that it is part of something that is susposed to expand your worldview is even more fitting. I hate it...and I hate the fact that CNN plays on every TV in every room i am ever in. Jake watches it perpetually, SMG is flooded by it, and aside from work, those are the only TVs I experience.
The supply chain workshop is raping me. I've been at school since 7:30 this morning and have fed my meter all day (that's a lot of quarters). It's sort of exciting to finally be talking to people and trying to have our product made, but it is also making it more clear how behind and how much resulting work there is ahead.
I don't know if Dell computers are just on crack but my mouse is always freaking out on me on this computer. it seriously goes beserk sometimes.
I want a really hot boyfriend that i can take naked pictures of.
Random thought, i know....
I've been having doubts about myself lately. I know that I try hard and that i've been told throughout my life that I am smart and talented...but I haven't been feeling special lately. I mean, is business truly my niche? Oh god, there goes the Headline News thing again. Do they really need to play it every two minutes? How addicting do they have to make the news in order for people to pay attention to what's going on in the world? Better yet, why don't they end this whole media frenzy over TV news and have people actually pick up a newspaper and engage in intellectual conversation. What a concept. I hate these CNN addicts who fool themselves into thinking that they actually know something about what's going on in the world--better yet that they know enough to get angry and narcisistic about it.
I just want to shine. i want admiration, respect and pride.
Monday, March 03, 2003
My stomach hurts and i don't think i can handle any more work for the evening (it's nine at night and i just got home after leaving at seven AM). So i am being rebellious and am about to go upstairs wash my face, crawl into bed and watched Mighty Aphrodite. My stomach feels like it's going to explode and I just can't push myself any more. Enough. There are not enough hours in the day for me to come close to doing all I could and i need to realize that, and rebel against it by focusing on what I want to do. The hard thing is I don't know what I want anymore...it becomes so muddled in the tests and obstacles I put in front of my desires that I'm not sure which are which.
Sunday, March 02, 2003
James just sent me a picture of himself and I'm a little confused. Not only is it the ugliest picture I have ever seen of him, but why send it? Does he want me to find him repulsive? Should I not care how he looks?
No, of course I should care...i only dated him, loved him, for almost four years. Looking at that picture now the superficial side of me can't help but say, "What was I thinking?" I'm starting to believe that I changed him for the worse...meaning i changed him to be what i always wanted and didn't allow him to be what he always wanted...which, clearly these lines do not intersect. Now i realize I was fighting an uphill, selfish battle and I'm glad I lost. I can honestly say I feel nothing but nostalgia for him, and certainly, at this point, no regrets. Though i continue to have some horny, lonely nights, I am much happier now. Instead of worrying all the time about perfecting him I can work on my own fuck ups and try to be the person i want to be. Someday i will meet someone i feel i don't have to change and maybe be changed myself in the process.
Attendum:
The rat is still there only now has been squashed and rained on. Why do i look every morning? I can't not look even though seeing it makes me want to hurl. Pretty soon I am afraid i may have to purchase a pair of those rubber gloves for washing dished and take care of this thing before it becomes another obsession that is truly unhealthy.
im having a tough time applying myself today. it is already 11 45 and all i have to show for my day is a run, cleaned my floor, showered and ate breakfast, attempted to install dsl on my computer and did some marketing problems. what is my problem? why can't i be superwoman and get everything done in an hour? The only thing i really did "bad" this morning was enjoy an hour of MTV cheese featuring Soriority Life Part Two and ET on MTV. I should be shot. So im debating what to do now...this homework thing isn't really cutting it for me, but it needs to done before three. At two thirty i need to cut out and run some errands before picking a teammate up and going to research.
Top ten things I would be doing if i weren't a driven fanatic living in a perpetually cold climate:
a) reading a book on a really hot sandy beach and looking scrumptious in a bikini.
b)having sex outside in the grass at warm summer dusk
c) foreplay in the tub of a swanky hotel room with lots of bubbles and orange lighting
d)driving in shorts and a tank top, no bra, with the windows down at a beach town off to run errands
e) skinny dipping in a secluded vermont lake, supped on wine and swimming toward nothing on a sunny, hot day.
Someday it will be warm again.
I need to get started on my study abroad essay but can't find the motivation. last weekend was ridiculous as far as regime and work are concerned and i know i am just done for now. I couldn't be more proud of myself for the test i succeeded in (not talking to anyone for four days while living at the library)...and now i just want to jerk off and forget about rigid lifestyles. I watched Unfaithful last night. I give Richard Gere and Diane Lane credit on that one--it actually wasn't bad at all and the sex scenes were amazing.
