The Girl Who Knew Too Much
Just me, a glass of wine and my neurotic ideas marked by compulsive thinkingFriday, March 14, 2003
I act like a very entitled, snooty person most of the time. I realize I am a very difficult person to work with. At work I get pissy when asked to help in the library because it didn't say anything about "library" in my job description (also something about the director of the library just urks me to no end), however i am free to take the many "breaks" and "fringes" my boss allows me which also were not in my job description--such as leaving a half an hour early everyday and still reeping the pay (and those half an hours add up mind you), eating the food, drinking the drinks, taking home tea from the staff room. Am i a horrible person? I wouldn't want to have me as an employee. Why can't i step from off my high horse and kiss up to these people? I always talk in this blog about how much i've changed this past year..i guess this is a huge thing, and most likely not very attractive--everything has to go my way...everything has to fit to me. There is no way i can ever work for various corporations. My leader driven attitude would never allow me to excel. I just wish i wouldn't be so resentful all the time around work. I know i DO work...but i certainly don't have my heart in it. Of course, maybe if it weren't so remedial...maybe if i received respect and was treated as a member of this elite team i would feel a little more motivated to make a place for myself. instead i am forever the "college intern"...even though when i was hired it was never described as an internship. So i have a little too much pride--isn't this what young people are recognized for? Isn't this what we miss most as we go through mid life crises?
I talked to cassie online today. She said she didn't even know who i was living with. This kind of shocked me--i thought i had told her. It's weird..i wonder what she thinks of me. I actually miss her--one lesson i have learned is that you will never find people as close to you as the ones you had in high school. Because we needed eachother so badly, we told and shared everything in a way i can't anymore(largely because i don't need to and it seems like a waste of time which becomes increasingly more precious). It's not that i miss her in my daily life...but i respect her friendship and care about her future. i really want for her to do well and i want her to be affectionate in the same way toward me. I harbor no resentment toward her which strikes me as almost amazing. last year i still couldn't think about her without conflicting feelings and certainly couldn't plan to see her without my heart racing in anxiety. Almost losing everyone has taken away my self esteem issues and allowed me to see the value of an old friendship. How arrogant of me to assume i could move on and forget her and dismiss the many things we shared as "childish." i only hope she knows this...and maybe feels the same. when in her graces she was such a loving person. i always admired her for that. She was also moral and strong--two qualities that make a very trusting friend.
Speaking of trusting friends, Katie is coming this afternoon to Boston. Unlike with Cassie, Katie is someone that i would love in my everyday life. She and I think alike...and long conversations with Katie are always engaging and fun. I love to see her happy and relaxed...i love it when she does something crazy....i love her extreme shyness complimented by uncompromising ideals. Most of all i admire her openess to change and her self introspection. Although sometimes she borders on neurotic, her mind isbeautifully open to new ideas and exploration of the changes that these new ideas cause in her. To be a strong person and willing to discuss and change your ideas is something that few people possess. She will be happy. I know it.
Wednesday, March 12, 2003
It is the most luxurious day and i couldn't be happier. I feel like i'm walking on smiles as I go through this day...bursting into glee at everyone and everything. I couldn't be more thrilled that my friend loves Target, and I couldn't be more thrilled to have her as a friend. I love the people I have allowed to mean something to me and I love myself. Fuck all that crazy this i was mumbling over before...even if i never have sex again with someone i know i can find happiness...because i know if i wanted sex i could have it. After working ten hours straight (no break) i am treating myself to a candlelight dinner on the water featuring seafood and chardonnay and accompanied by Nabokov. Only a little more than an hour left at work and then the night is mine. After dinner I plan to do a teeny bit of shopping...if i feel so inclined after my wine, by no means mandatory however. when i get home I will mop the kitchen, call brandi, and snuggle into the arms of my nabokov. I love ignoring core...i love sunshine...i am on such a natural high right now. Let's dish some dirt: My roommate jake is on a major clean up and i couldn't be prouder of him. he has quit smoking, done his dished, resigned himself to eating healthy and started running (no i don't think he wants to be me...but i like to think i inspired him in some way). I hope he continues. Now if i could only find the willpower to continue working for my last hour.... alas, fuck it. this life is mine, if they fire me i wasn't meant to be here in the first place. I feel very beautiful today. Many an admirer came my way this morning with gushing compliments that can't help but propel me further in cloud nine. There's no greater feeling than the cool sophistication of a confident stride while walking a sunny city. I wish everyone the experience. I truly do. Court--im glad you had a good one at target. Katie--not that you read this, but i love you and even though we don't talk often i can't wait to see you friday. Della--Happy early birthday. Cassie--im so glad we talk again. you mean more to me than you know. james--you've gotten really weird and i don't think i like you much anymore. i don't know if this is just because its awkward after you break up with someone...but I do know that i will always look back at some of the times we shared as the best of my life. Regardless of our future as friends...you have given me a lot of happy memories.
Monday, March 10, 2003
you know what frightens me the most? That someone will be able to tell how fucked up I am. I say things in a manner unlike how i think...i think too much before i speak...i'm scared, so scared, i'm becoming weird to everyone. i am not in sync socially...i have nothing to do and with the absense of work i am lost in psychodrama. it all started when i fooled around with andy. man, what a mistake. i can write it off as I shouldn't have done it because i don't care for him...but i never used to have a problem with random hook ups. But god...god...i kinda lost it guys. i mean i couldn't get into it and i got a little psycho on him. i didn't know what to say--i never don't know what to say--that's what it was...i just didnt know what to say and its still eating at my sanity. what DO you say when you're lying naked in someone's bed and you don't want them to touch you without looking psycho? "Um..i'm sorry I know i let you take off my clothes and i don't know why but i'm just not into this and i have to go home now?" so you want details? It's worse...the minute i let him touch me *you know where* i freaked and was like "that's mine don't touch me there you don't know what you're doing stop" God...it was so like high school. and if there's one thing i don't ever want it's to feel uncomfortable about sex the way i was in high school...and now i feel myself sitting here justifying my actions by saying i wasn't interested. but why wasn't i interested? He's probably the best looking guy i've hooked up with...well, ok that's not true...but he's not the ugliest. He's smart...talented...taller than me...where's the beef? why couldn't i just once step outside myself and have a good time? Ever since that night i have had a rash of extreme fatigue. all i want to do is sleep. it is nearly impossible sometimes to move. everyone irritates me. i could have murdered my parents this weekend...and for the dumbest things--everytime either one of them did or said something caring toward me i flipped into a wave of irritation. like my mom pouring my tea after it boiled--i can pore my own tea! Or when she picked out my roll for me at the grocery store--i can pick out my own fucking roll! My dad wanting to buy me gloves--i know how to keep my hands warm! Why don't i want anyone in my life. I don't want someone to pour my tea or give me an orgasm. I have issues and i don't know how to expel them. I can't just blame it on everyone else...something is clearly going on with me.
i don't know what my deal is anymore. i feel like i'm drowning into nothing with no one to help me. i've lost all hope. i don't imagine things that won't happen anymore..i don't have a secret dream. I'm feeling very dead and very alone. Is it everyone else or is it me? I can think of nothing I desire. I fear I have become unlikeable. I don't know what is wrong with me. I don't know if i care about anyone or anything. i don't want to be around anyone for fear i will have to be fake and they will see through me. i don't know what makes me happy anymore. i'm so alone...so very alone...and the saddest thing is for the first time i can not even imagine a bandaid that would make me happy. i am not disillusioned...i am just very much too inside myself. i confide in no one. i'm not doing very well.
