The Girl Who Knew Too Much
Just me, a glass of wine and my neurotic ideas marked by compulsive thinkingSaturday, March 22, 2003
It smells like summer again and I love the change. Sometimes I wonder if anyone likes it when it's cold. Maybe it's just the change that is welcome, but i don't recall ever feeling thankful on the first wintry day. It's interesting that the weather broke exactly on the first day of Spring. Maybe New England has it's own biological clock.
I can't believe all the buzz over the war--you can't escape it. If you aren't bombarded with TVs and Radios on everywhere, you sit next to someone on the T with a "No Blood for Oil" pin on their army jacket. I'm sure the Oscars will be flooded with self-righteous celebrities trying to expose their anti-war ideals. It's times like these I would prefer Anna Nicole--at least she is clueless enough to forget about the economy and the war. She's also smart enough not to try to make it sound like she cares. Gotta love blind honesty.
I hate the weekends. Jake sleeps on the couch, Sean smokes pot, no one cleans, and I have nothing to do but homework. I've been finding myself missing california a lot lately. Maybe it's only the sunshine i crave on my face and the open scenery that seems to compliment an equally open lifestyle, but i want to experience it all again. I want to go back to having days flooded with sunshine and devoid of responsibilities and commitments. Oh well, I'm sure if that was the case I would feel lazy and unsatisfied. There is no such thing as a win-win situation when it comes to living your life. There are too many opportunities and activities to allow me to be satisfied with everything. I guess i should be thankful that there isn't a universal happiness equation, but i do know i wouldn't mind being in california this morning on a porch with coffee and cosmo.
Thursday, March 20, 2003
For the first time in a long time I wanted to be hugged today. I don't know if it is the lack of sleep or a genuine relinquishment of the armor i have been wearing, but i really needed a long hug and some affection. It has been so long since I craved James' body close to mine...it kind of scared me. I know i don't really want it, but i needed and craved it today the way you do a twinkie: you know you don't REALLY WANT one, and that you certainly SHOULDN'T but sometimes there is just this uncontrollable urge when walking in the convienence store to buy one. I'm just so tired--what a weak. not only am i breaking out in rashes in every crevice of my body but i'm simply exhausted. I've lost everything--my personality, my mind, and my appetite for anything but comfort. I feel my team is disappointed with me because I'm not working on everything, which is just ridiculous. I just wish I could be perfect. Maybe for Christmas.
Wednesday, March 19, 2003
It's really cold outside--bewarned all you east coast people. A coworker just approached me complaining of having too much work--too many jobs--and receiving no closure or progress due to their unfathomably ambigious and large nature--could I relate? Most defenitely. CORE is picking up and I just don't see this coming to an end in four weeks. I forsee my nights becoming shorter and my luxurious freetime dwindling into obsoletion. And of course, now more than ever, I am itching to watch TV when I should be reading--drink wine when it should be water--sleep when i should be studying. So then i start questioning my job--why do i work here again? How unfair a hindrance is this on my schoolwork and team if i have to devote so much time trekking out here three days a week? It doesn't seem like much (especially on my paycheck) but it adds up into -- I don't have as much time as my peers for school (and certainly not friends...but i have established those barely exist in my life anyway). It also interests me to think of my co-workers as being stressed with "BIG" projects...because, frankly...i do nothing here and am never stressed. In fact I have to find ways to make myself LOOK busy. Example: to the laymen walking past my office right now, i look pretty busy. Furiously typing at the keyboard, fixated stare. I am really chugging. Well i hear the laughter trails of my boss, i better sign off. Maybe later during dinner i will toast to Access and the never ending project.
Maybe it's the paranoia and anxiety that seems to have taken control of my greater sense, but I'm a little frightened by the impending war. The radio is talking of anthrax and biological warfare, our thrawted relationship with the French, the countries behind us and the turmoil it causes them, troops getting ready to head out before Saturday--these are large issues that I really know nothing about. Maybe I should go into politics if only for the reason I may finally be able to understand current events. It's much easier to reflect on history--on other people's opinions already documented. Come what may, it's times like these I don't relish living in a city. I even got a little sentimental last night while washing my face--I actually had the urge to go into Jake's room and hug him. I wanted to let him know that I do appreciate him as a person. Psycho? Likely. It's a little strange living with people who could really give two shits about you and defenitely do not know you. I mean, in the very least most roommates seem to KNOW one another...whether or not they hang out beyond the home. Oh well, he hates Bush and says so to the TV. Once again, I don't know how I think about Bush. I guess I really don't know much at all.
Monday, March 17, 2003
Running with your period is always such a wonderful experience. However shitty having your period is, it does force you to slow down and settle into a comfortable pace. Whether it be on the open road or just walking down the stairs, you take life a little slower, smells are a little sweeter, tastes a little stronger.
Well, I have now welcomed another into my "world" making there two people with access to my crazy head. I found myself all weekend telling Katie about my blog...and this showed me i wanted her to read it. I think because i don't really have a "last call" before i turn in, this has sort of taken that substitute. I learned this weekend that I still need friends and acceptance. however independent and closed off i make my life, I'll never be able to expunge the need for understanding.
Well its back to the grindstone today and I couldn't be more apathetic. I don't want to care. I don't want to have to leave ten minutes early in order to get cash before catching the T (yes, anal people think that it takes ten minutes to stop at the ATM), arrive at school, sit in my swivel chair and talk about footsavers and surveys. I don't know what i would choose to do instead, but i would settle for sleeping in.
