The Girl Who Knew Too Much
Just me, a glass of wine and my neurotic ideas marked by compulsive thinkingFriday, March 28, 2003
There's so much i want to say and never the time to say it in. I don't know what i'm becoming and it scares me. Why do my roommates not like me? Because I am anal and very anti social. Why am i trying so hard to fight the social side of me out? My god, there are days (like today) where i look at my life and it becomes blatantly apparent how empty it is. Not only that, but even more obvious how i look for understanding and compassion in all the wrong places. and i KNOW theyre wrong, so why do i do it? Do i really want to know if I can be hurt? Am i purposefully testing myself for a fall? Sometimes i think of my life as in sliding doors scenario--i catch the train and my life remains as it was...i miss the train and my life takes a totally new track. I see myself searching for this new track and i also see myself killing the ann i used to love. whatever happened to my giddy smiles and silly attitude? My endless desire to entertain? in some ways i fear i have become the most selfish person in the world. i just want to laugh again--really laugh with someone who loves me. but i search for love and understanding in people who will never supply my need--its like im afraid to surrender myself to happiness or anyone else.
So I forgot to publish my entry from yesterday. So sorry. I've decided my roommates hate me. I don't know how i feel about this, i only know that i worked until midnight last night and then had to wait for the one-car T in the newfound cold after missing a gorgeous 70 degree day in order to come home to a smelly i-just-ordered-chinese-food living room and a surly roommate. Now it's morning, Brett didn't send me the PowerPoint, should I assume he did it all the same? Who knows. My life has been reduced to nothing and I live with people who don't like me--and probably for good reason. We don't jive in living habits or personalities, so why would it work? All i know is that grrr...Jake makes me mad. He actually came in and chided me for slamming my door (when it doesn't shut properly if you don't) when it's like when he comes home in the MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT he's not exactly the most cautious person. I mean most of the time the kid acts like he owns the place. Ok, enough complaining. I'm sure most of it is my fault anyway. I'm going to Copenhagen though so i never have to see these fuckers again after this year. Although that kind of depresses me that i think of my current living situations under such harsh tones, i CANNOT BE BOTHERED.
Thursday, March 27, 2003
So i don't have class today because we're susposed to be working hardcore on our OM workshop tomorrow. Why is it the ONLY morning i have off, Jake has to have off as well? Will i ever be in this house without my motherfucking roommates? It is seriously annoying. I cannot wait to give this whole living alone thing a whirl. So i just found out that my mom will probably have to have radiation after all. Yet another thing to sit like a welt in the back of my mind while i go into the CORE crunch. It's not like its not difficult enough already with the war and all. Lets add family illness to the list. Oh well, seriously, i can't care right now. I have to struggle to drain out any intellectual thoughts about the war and any caring thoughts for my family. It's time to get serious. Speaking of serious, I'm so proud of my team. For the first time in my life, i honestly don't think im doing as much as others--i am not leading the pack. Although this is an adjustment, what a welcome one it is! I figure that is one thing that this project teaches you--you really can't do everything yourself and have to learn to trust and work with others. Off to the grocery store to replace the groceries my inconsiderate roommates ate and drank during the time I am never here.
Wednesday, March 26, 2003
Morning Developements March Something 2003
-Trash lady was rumaging as usual
-I have began checking for wedding rings before i check out a guy
-I am going to study in Denmark next semester
-Jake's coffee cup has been sitting unwashed on the coffee table for three days now
-I need to go to CVS before work, don't let me forget
-I'm living dangerously by wearing sneakers to work
Tuesday, March 25, 2003
I think my life is very empty and i don't realize it because i'm too busy. When i don't have work to do every second i kind of freak out and almost don't want to allow myself to have fun. It's like I'm constantly forcing myself not to have a good time. Oh well, hopefully this will end once CORE is over.
Sunday, March 23, 2003
God i fucking love alcohol. I love the way it makes you forget the purpose of life and allows you to live in the moment. I couldn't be happier right now and all im doing is hanging out in a tiny dorm room with a friend watching sex and the city. (eagerly awaiting the oscars). I know my teammates are meeting feverishly right now to finish our presentation, and call me selfish (or drunk!) but i don't give a shit! Let them meet--i was there from 9 45 until 5...that has to be good enough. I need to start to realize that i can't do everything and still be happy with what i do accomplish. Life is not so much of a chore--at least it doesn't need to be. Well my dear friend just returned from the shower and now we need to highlight her brown locks. Will write more later...probably when i am sober and very serious.
Yesterday was a completely unproductive day. Although I spent the entire day out of the house meeting with my team (except for a three hour interlude to go see View from the Top and get some grub), we got absolutely nothing accomplished. I couldn't believe the lack of concentration, worst thing is i think i iniated it. It is interesting to think that i can lead my team like that--its like they follow exactly what i do the way they would a professor. Which only makes me feel old and more like the control freak i know that i am. Sometimes I wish people didn't take me SO seriously. I feel like no one looks to me for fun anymore and only thinks of me as nutty and way too driven. Of course i couldn't live my life differently, but i wouldn't mind having someone around who thought of me as just a cute ditz. Sad thing is i don't even have big boobs anymore to stuff into tittie shirts or blond hair to twirl. I have completely lost my ditz appeal, im surprized anyone finds me attractive at all. Yes as you can tell i went through one of THOSE moments last night--those silly moments where you think you'll never be loved or admired. Where you question your attractiveness as a mate, a fuckbuddy, and a lover. SO LAME. I know, but i am a girl! Today was susposed to be my day off from running but i couldn't not go--is this an obsession? I'm afraid it may be becoming one. I guess i could be addicted to worse things--like crack--but i don't like addictions of any sort. It impedes on my control, but also comes from the same place.
