The Girl Who Knew Too Much
Just me, a glass of wine and my neurotic ideas marked by compulsive thinkingSaturday, April 05, 2003
P/S Courtenay sucks balls--but only on a good day!
Does it make me pathetic if i read my own writing and think i'm smarter than i come across to most people? or maybe just arrogant? I've been wishing lately that i was british. or really just that i had something in me that wasn't so completely american. do you ever think that being completely american in america makes you insanely limited? I do. Anyways, im here again waiting for a fate which is not mine, craving excitement that i will not get and settling for cold feet and aspirations of someday achieving a cultured persona. I was lying in the sauna today thinking and singing to myself while inwardly laughing at the mockery i have made of my independence in the last few days. a part of me wanted to take off all my clothes and join the naked asian lying beside me in a testimony to nudity and freedom while the other side of me quickly wrapped my towel around my waist so as no one notice my cellulited ass. although i have clearly grown, i am still shy, low self esteem ann from high school and i have to learn to except her. she is shrinking, but she'll always be there when i don't get everything the way i want in my sex life. sex, gotta love it and curse it. it's a fucking piece of shit at times and at others the most feeling you have had in what feels like years.
I painted my nails tonight. i also did no homework. Tomorrow is pedi cure day. tomorrow all distraction will be gone and i will be able to mope properly and forget i ever had any fun.
Friday, April 04, 2003
My life is really empty. Sometimes it takes an event so exciting and different to make a person realize this and once they do it becomes blatantly apparent what an unsatisfying experience life will be most of the time. It is easy to become immersed in the regularity of routine and the successful completion of life's many repetitive responsibilities: eating, sleeping, paying bills, going to the bathroom, working, talking to family, returning phone calls, etc. But every once in awhile you get a taste of Hollywood--of a life you only thought existed for Samantha Jones or Madonna. You get to experience a piece of those secret desires that make you smile to yourself on the T and amuse the reality of your life. You star in a fifteen minute short.
The film ends and for awhile everything is great: energy spills through your walk, your smiles come more frequently, you love the people around you and their ignorance to real joy. But the hangover is what kills you--after this initial glee comes the realization that it cannot go on. It becomes only a distant memory and more of an embarrassment than an accomplishment. And soon it will mean nothing at all. Maybe thats what gets me the most: i know in one more day i will forget and move on and finish my CORE project and go back to living in my own fantasy that i am happy being a nobody to nobody. You know for a day or two there, or maybe only an hour, I felt like a teenager again: swooning, smiling, keeping secrets. Jesus, will it ever happen for me? I don't know what life would be like if i had everything the way i dream--i only want something different. I don't want anything like anything i see in people's lives around me. I don't want people to understand me and say "i know what you mean" I never want to have a white pickett fence and a dinner at six everynight. I don't want to talk about myself and tell people what happens to me. I don't need that. I want to be what i always feared i was--weird.
I had a strange experience today. I got on an empty T and the driver asked me to come to him. He said i must have special powers because the T doors were not opening for anyone that day. Now i have lived in boston for over three years and never have riden an empty T--especially not an outbound B train during school hours. He told me to sit down and said that i had some kind of kathartic fate about me. He said i was different. Then he asked me if he could tell someone about this experience. The T wouldn't stop at my stop and took me on further to Boston College. It would open for me, no one else, and wanted to take me further. Call it a metaphor to my life: i am different, special. I journey alone and I need to move on from where i am today. It is time to move on.
I have worked hard today. I will wait no longer for a suspected phone call and move on to bed. I am done with depending on a fate that is not mine. I am sick of people wanting me for the wrong reasons. In three days i have had three different people from somewhere in my past either call or visit and want something from me that i am tired of giving. I am not only a sponge to come to when others are thirsty for something new. There will come a time when i meet the right cure for my mundane existance and until then i will remain in training. Read, live, think and run. I know i am growing still, and at this moment that is enough for me. I am not stuck and I am moving on. I may be hurting today, but tomorrow is another day.
Thursday, April 03, 2003
Jake is gone till Saturday! Jake is gone till Saturday! Jake is gone till Saturday! THE LUMP HAS LEFT THE HOUSE. Ah, the sweet smells of FREEDOM!! What a difference a little spice makes in your life. Everything seems a little better--i even think i look a little prettier...it may be cold, but the air smells a little crisper. Time for school. Wow, somehow i don't mind!
Wednesday, April 02, 2003
I am not a good person. I am not a good person. And if i had to do it all again, I would not be a good person. :)
I am conducting an experiment. If i convince myself to be excited and positive each morning i will have a good day. I had a good day yesterday. I'm feeling very poor so i think im going to pack a lunch today. Yes, i am ten. Happenings for the day:
-Meeting with study abroad counselor at 11 30
-Meeting with Miller at 12 30
-Team Meeting at 100
Which reminds me, i need to get a team room. I love responsibility!
Tuesday, April 01, 2003
So after a few I-hate-my-life-im-so-sad entries i think i'm going to force myself to focus on the positive and be the happy person i know i am! often you make a choice on whether or not to see everything from one way or another. Even when youre having the worst day there are things that go well, you only choose to fixate on those which do not. (probably because they seem more important and certainly more apparent). So i had absolutely horrible fever dreams last night. the first set, as always, was plagued by spreadsheets. the second set though was an alien invasion saga--way too realistic. I seriously had to convince myself this morning that it wasn't true and i wasn't going to turn into an alien. Yeah, i'm ready to be better and go back to sleep deprivation. At least i don't fear for my life that way. :) Some good things in my life:
-A co-worker yesterday told me that i was "Disgustingly elegant for a student." The fact he said this when i was snotty and fevery made it all the sweeter.
-I just read my team feedback reports and for the most part they were good. of course brett was a bastard, but what should i expect from a dvd/wrestling loving nerd who wears glasses that turn into sunglasses when outside?
-umm...i had a pretty run today. the sun was just coming up and casted a bluish glow which illuminated the white buildings and complimented the many color bar signs.
-The kitchen wasn't a mess when i woke up and aside from the usual frisbee full of tobacco (Jake is so weird), the living room was not either.
-I actually have a purpose now at work. of course i took off the next two weeks, but i do not dread returning.
-CORE is almost over.
-The beatles are a great band.
-"Let me forget about today until tomorrow." My new fav. quote. (Bob Dylan)
Sunday, March 30, 2003
I'm very unhappy and I think I'm sick. I am drowning in school and I don't think i have it in me to complete this project. i seriously don't. for the first time in my life i can't push myself any further. just doing the minimum is almost pushing me off the edge much less supplying the above and beyond stamina i usually hold myself too. I miss my mom and haven't felt affection for a month. I'm very lonely and I think I live in hell. Allston is the most disgusting place i have ever lived and my house is an unhappy welcome after tough, long days. There is no one here who loves me and no one for me to love. I'm getting sick and no one will take care of me. I walk through puke piles to get to school and live amongst drunks and losers. I just want to breathe again without feeling the weight of eight million things to do on my lungs. I want to be able to sleep without getting up like clockwork at seven and waking up in the middle of the night having to pee four times during my rest. I'm sick of having to walk upstairs in order to pee and knock out the door knob at four AM leaving me fumbling to fix the door in my delirious unhappiness. I don't like randomly crying on the toilet and having no one to care, tell, or console me by saying everythings going to be allright. I know everything will be allright--its not like im stupid. I guess thats my problem...I don't really want to give up the life i have built for myself. even though i cry on the toilet, my walls are thick and strong--i only fear i've built them too high and kept out the things that make me happy. I miss living with Jen if only because she knew me and was going through similar school issues. she made me sane by driving me through example. the only example i have now is what i plan for the day--and being a perfectionist this is not yielding a healthy or balanced lifestyle.
