The Girl Who Knew Too Much
Just me, a glass of wine and my neurotic ideas marked by compulsive thinkingThursday, April 10, 2003
I woke up this morning to my roommate passed out on the couch watching porn, reaking of booze, and most likely playing with himself (I was too scared and disgusted to look). I really need to get the fuck out of this place. So yesterday I cried in front of my team. Badly. They were treating me like a machine though--a person with no feeling or no respect. I didn't like that. As if i don't feel empty enough when my life is consumed by a project i loathe, I am also treated like a thing and not a person. Dehumanizing, yes? Warrented tears? Most likely, no. I am moreover probably a lot less happy and content than i think i am. But fuck, isn't that life? Fooling yourself into daily happiness? It's a lot harder and more of an art than it sounds.
Wednesday, April 09, 2003
Do i stink or something? Have I invested in rancid perfume or is everyone else just really busy? I am feeling quite ignored--after emailing my mom, dad, katie, sarah, and my boss, i have yet to receive one reply. It must be that time of month for everyone. Strange that it is when i am the most busy that i take the time to write pointless emails. i guess it is my way of communicating because i have no time to invest in actual conversation or human contact. I am about to go meet "the team" and do "the project" comme toujours. I'm hoping to possibly go out with Kate tonight, though im not sure that it will happen or that I will want it to happen after spending eight hours working on this project. Hopefully i will experience some sense of accomplishment by the end of the day today. I went to the gym for almost two hours yesterday. I am really getting into this whole "i can change my body" idea. I'm not sure if it is a healthy fixation, or just another thing for me to worry and obsess over. Probably the latter--if there is one outcome to living alone and being alone in life, it is that you become your own worst enemy and are able to stew and make up rules and habits and little eccentric fixes in your own neurotic fashion. It will be interesting if i ever decide to give those up in order to share a life with someone once again. I am feeling spunky today--i flashed a bit of color and a bit of spunk into the drab wardrobe i have been sporting as of late. (I even regressed to wearing my ripped ralph lauren sweater yesterday that i retired two years ago to the "home only" pile). It is interesting how a little color in your clothing can brighten your mood. I have also given up on the weather--i don't even bother listening to the weather man on the radio anymore--i know what he will say. I have stopped anticipating spring and am dubious that it will ever arrive. Unfortunately I suspect that we will dive suddenly into summer humidity and experience none of the crisp mildness and jean jacketts of spring. I also cannot wait to go shopping after CORE and buy lots of groovy summer clothes. I have not shopped in what feels like ages and I deserve a new wardrobe and a new look. I am so utterly tired of this one. A little bit scary about this whole Copenhagen thing--don't think it has quite hit me. Just in small increments do i realize the logistics of what i have committed myself to--for instance, only today as i was parking my car and admiring the many new dings and scratches it has received since moving to allston, and the lovely pile of green bird shit some animal left me, did i realize that i would have to not drive my car for a whole semester and somehow manage to park it at my parents house. I don't know how that will work. And we will not even start on storing all my stuff. I am contemplating possibly renting a place and just paying for it while i am abroad. i mean if my grandfather pays for my dorm expenses in copenhagen, it will be no different than usual to have me paying rent here. jesus, who knows. probably the last thing i need to be worrying about right now. team meeting here i come...
Tuesday, April 08, 2003
I feel like crap today. I don't know, i think i spend too much time around people. I feel like i don't even lead my own life anymore. I have no sense of accomplishment with this project and I am simply tired of dealing with others and their bullshit. My god. Shoot me if i ever say i want to study psychology. People are borring.
There is so much to be done on our project and I feel like I'm the only one who realizes it. It's like I'm fighting an uphill battle with no plateau in sight. I feel raped of personality and spunk and drained of anything worth sharing. I don' t know how to feel or what to do because everything feels like nothing.
Monday, April 07, 2003
Before I begin another long CORE day i would like to congradulate myself. I overcame my modesty and went topless in the sauna yesterday. I am still not ready to lose the undies, but i am making progress. what a freeing feeling. Ok, back to CORE.
