The Girl Who Knew Too Much
Just me, a glass of wine and my neurotic ideas marked by compulsive thinkingFriday, May 09, 2003
I am so hungover and i will like im going to puke up my cereal. Yes, cereal. What a theme for a blog. I just wanted to write something for Courtenay. What a beautiful entry you wrote...it was truly clairvoyant and well written. You continue to surprize and impress me. Ill call you, or you call me. Ill still have my cell in cali. Im going to miss your blog. Youre on a roll for good entries. Who needs a book when you have courtenay's blog?
Thursday, May 08, 2003
P/P/S Courtenay i miss you!! i wish i had more time to hang out...when i return, when i return...
My life is littered by Kashi. Not only am i a serial muncher, but it appears i am as well a cereal muncher. Seeing as i cannot NOT have something in my mouth the health fanatic in me has chosen the most bland, puffed wheat cereal offered by the estimed Kashi company. Jesus fucking christ. Do you know how lame i feel when i sit in each chair i have ever been in and see little crumbs of fucking puffed wheat everywhere? What have i become...
I decided today that my munchies stem from lack of brain activity. When i feel challenged I don't think about food. When i am bored, i munch.
I also am disturbed by this puffed wheat shit. I can't help but think about The Truth About Cats and Dogs when Uma Thurman is like, "People always say you are what you eat. But i eat nothing, does that make me nothing?" Am i 100 calorie puffed wheat? Essentially rice ripped of everything thats good? Butter, salt, WARMTH. Yes, i know the calories. Why do i care? WHY
i'll tell you why. because watching my weight is a part of control. The more you exert control the better you feel about your accomplishment--you give way to nothing, not even food. but is this truly healthy? Granted i am eating healthy food, but should i be such a monitor of what i eat in a given day? Because trust me, i count everything. What normal, weight obsessed girl does not? I love the way that in all my accomplishment i have also become seriously fucked up. Though the combination may compliment my general character with a sense of complexity...is this a good thing? Is a complex person more interesting?
Bah, who knows. You do what makes you happy. With all the shit going on in the world the last thing you should care about is how you eat. If i feel better eating healthy food, i will.
I've talked to brandi, james and cassie today. Yeah, california is going to be weird. Real weird. Brandi has or seems to have become a warped version of josh--captured into his life the way love combines individuals into one. Cassie, is well, Cassie. She always manages to get me to talk about the superficial things that plague me--a pimple, an eye infection, excema. James. Jesus, what happened? I told him i wanted to see him and he said "maybe." Hate to say it, but i think he may be the sanest of that bunch and im sure i will be needing some sanity while im out there. Getting over him has made me miss our connection that wasn't sexual. Maybe he just isn't there yet.
I am leaving now as i am at work and should be working. one last P/S to myself: DO NOT BUY ANYTHING TODAY YOU ARE SO ADDICTED TO SHOPPING AND NEED TO STOP. ITS BECOMING SICK.
Thanks ann...
So we meet again. Yesterday i met my fellow copenhagen attendee and i continue to surprize and impress myself. I was walking to his dorm and contemplating the familiar uncomfort you sometimes feel when you are about to see someone for the first time. And what struck me is that i didn't have it--i was completely cool. I have really grown. In a lot of ways James and I could have never worked because i didn't know myself well enough at that point. i can see all the wonderful changes in myself and i know that my next relationship will be superior. I feel myself becoming the person i always dreamed of being and i love it. Now if only i could curb my shopping addiction...
Speaking of james i wonder where he is. Not so much physically (i.e. like duh he's sleeping) but emotionally and mentally. he has not talked to me in awhile and i wonder why. though im sure its for some monotonous reason like finals i can't help but contemplate the possibilities. i am embarrassed about my relationship with him, i don't like the person he knew. I was selfish and superficial. I was also weak and in my mind ultimately unappealing. I hope he does not remember this way and is able to see through the lesser times. I was thinking about our sex life last night. I basically did everything he wanted me to and tried to be adventurous but i think ultimately i was a disappointment in bed for him. we were not compadible sexually and he knew it--he knew he didn't really pleasure me. i don't think any guy can be satisfied unless he thinks himself a stallion. I believe that is why hot guys marry homely women. they won't cheat on them and they can boost their egos in bed. Then if he is also a horny hot guy, he can have the affair with the hot chick and get good sex. But not stallion sex. I hope i find my stallion. If not i may have to invest in some quality equipment. *devilish smile*
Wednesday, May 07, 2003
Another morning, another bowl of cereal, another day limited by 24 hours. If i only i did not need to sleep my life might be complete. I seriously do not know how some people do it but i never have those moments where you have nothing to do and are actually BORED. I guess this is a good thing. But sometimes it is nice to be bored because you are challenged to do things you may not normally. Yesterday I saw It Runs in the Family and it was quite good--are movie critics on crack? Why do they always pan movies that are original and carry a wholesome message? Why are only movies depicting the ugliness and excessiveness of humanity deemed a must-see? Need a movie be disturbing to be good...or is it that a good movie is one which disturbs by exposing the norms of living life? If there is one thing we all have in common it is family--there is not a person out there who was not brought into this world by people. Whatever the circumstances, this is the tie that connects us all, and when you think about it, rules a large part of your life.
Tuesday, May 06, 2003
Good morning Vietnam. I like to eat my cereal in layers, is this weird? I'm not sure I want to go to California and Im afraid that it will be really amazing, i'm also afraid that it will be horrible and i'm even more afraid it will just be so-so. I have been listening to french music lately, something about not really being able to understand the lyrics allows you to enjoy the music more. I don't like the milk in my cereal to be very cold. When i look in the mirror i don't think i look the same. I feel my height more than i used to. I need to do laundry and I spend too much money. I should not go out anymore for dinner but i cannot stop. I feel bad asking my Mother for money. I think i think i'm richer than i am. Sometimes i think i have taken over someone else's life. I don't know why i cry so easily now. I wish there were better movies in the theatre. When you work from nine to five everyday you barely have a life. My house is a mess and i need to clean. I don't know why i offered to help my former teammate move. I miss my parents but i don't want to go home for too long because i become too comfortable and find it difficult to leave and easy to be lazy. I had a nice conversation with Katie's boyfriend Jon over the weekend. He saw straight through me and i liked it. I really have been craving pizza ever since my roommate got high and devoured one in front of me. I wonder what i will get for grades in CORE. I am almost done with my cereal and the milk has just reached the optimal temperature. As soon as i'm done i have to go to work. It is gloomy outside today and I am looking forward to walking along the water to work. I hope the T comes on time. Don't let me forget I have to pay my rent and pack a lunch. Bananas are like nature's butter and i love them. There's a commercial for IHOP that they play at the gym where bananas are sliced over pancakes and it looks like heaven on a platter. Cereal is done.
