The Girl Who Knew Too Much
Just me, a glass of wine and my neurotic ideas marked by compulsive thinkingThursday, May 15, 2003
Brandi is sleeping and i'm alone both figuritively and literally. There is no one in California who seems at all eager to see or know me as I am today. James does not seem to want to have anything to do with me. He doesn't want to see me until tomorrow night at the rehearsal dinner. Cassie is too busy with work to do anything with me. Marco has zero desire to see me. I feel like i am losing sight of who I am while out here. I have no control over my life and it is leaving me incredibly drained with a rapidly diminishing self confidence. I guess there is no one here who reallly cares for me and thats fine. i just wish i could control my time here more so i didnt feel like i was drowning in someone elses life.
Tuesday, May 13, 2003
Im in california and don't even know how to describe what i'm feeling. I'm hesitant to really say anything because i am paranoid that people will be able to find this website on their computer. but fuck it. from the minute i walked off the plane my break up with james hit me hard. he is always the one to pick me up. he is my life in california and he always has been. however, he does not even want to see me. i can't stand half these people without james to balance them out. i am going insane and if brandi tries to give me advice again i think i will get really mean. im longing for anyone who knows me, i never thought i would say this but i need some kind of comfort zone. im fucking drowning in misery. im feeling more vulnerable, alone and sad then i have since the whole jen incident. i will cry in front of someone before i leave (i already have to myself like twenty times, now being one of them). i hope that person is cassie. i need cassie right now, she is my only hope for comfort. oh god. i am not as strong and wonderful as i like to fancy myself when im in my own comfort zone. and its not even being by myself--if i was by myself, i would be fine. whats killing me is being around people who THINK they know me and do not AT ALL. God, brandi and i are just not compatible anymore...not at all. i dont like to talk loud and eat junk food and be obnoxious. i enjoy serious conversations and don't like being teased or told what to do. i also don't like being instructed i can "go to bed when i want to" or "leave when i want to" no fucking shit. i know where my room is and i know where i can go. i know she has good intentions and its just who she is, but im not used to having someone in my face all the time asking me whats wrong. do you know how annoying that is? having someone constantly try to make you talk and when you don't there has to be something wrong with you. like hello, we're watching a movie. last time i checked watching movies was done in relative silence. i guess i was mistaken or something. anyway i needed to get that out. this is a lame entry full of melodrama and complaining but i have to get it out to someone because i have negative time alone and no time with anyone who can hold a real conversation. Blah. i just want to cry.
