The Girl Who Knew Too Much
Just me, a glass of wine and my neurotic ideas marked by compulsive thinkingFriday, May 30, 2003
I was just walking home after an enjoyable, honest evening and had one of the most jarring, and i guess, awakening moments. i am still so scared. there were rats shaking my trash can. like shaking it. i screamed. it wasn't an "oh im so scared they startled me why is my trash can moving" scream it was an "Ok i see the rats but i dont think i can walk past the trash can without screaming because they're going to eat my toes" fit. I screamed all the way while running to the door. It was genuine fear. I really thought they were going to touch me. Just like i really used to think the tree outside my window was going to crash threw it and kill me. Just like how i used to not turn my back to the room while looking my desk because i thought someone would stab me in the back or shoot me. I'm weird. I'm scared. I always have been and I think i kinda like it. It was good to be scared again tonight. Though horrifying, it made me feel alive.
Ah, i also had a night where i again come to terms with my vanity. So i got passport photos taken today and they were horrible. My face looked bloated--i looked hideous--i looked like ann. I swear mirrors must lie and photos tell the truth because i always look good in mirrors and hideous in photos. I mean not only did my lovely underground im killing my face with a mountain of painful puss pimple show, but my face looks SO FAT and well....like.....ME. the ME that i am always trying NOT to look like. So of course that meant that i should try and look cute tonight. which i did...but i also just felt like i was putting on airs again. I need to feel attractive. Why? I don't know. I wish i didn't, life would be simpler (and cheaper). But it seems like everytime i almost get to that point of security something like this--a shitty (or honest?) photo throws me back into high school. into needing attention, looks, and strangers. Get over yourself Ann.
Get fucking over yourself. You waste too much time worrying and not enough time living.
Go back to the rats. At least then you were 100% you and not ashamed--a little embarrassed and a little amused. Amuse yourself: don't worry yourself into always striving to be proud. There is more to life than pride..and certainly more than physical beauty.
I think at least. I wouldn't know for certain though because i still haven't gotten past that one.
Thursday, May 29, 2003
I havent written anything at all intellectual in weeks and i love it. ah, the melodrama. Guess what Im doing? You got it...cereal, net, and WBZ 1030. Some things never change. Well i am almost ready to go full long into packing. I aim to be completely packed by Sunday. this leaves essetially saturday due to various visa errands on friday. Excitement, i know. Im a little worried that i talked a little bit too much about myself last night at katies birthday dinner. sometimes i feel i freak della out and she doesnt like me anymore. i also feel that now that della has been back i never get any time alone with katie and that kind of bothers me. Della looks old. Remind me never to start smoking.
Wednesday, May 28, 2003
Ah good morning, good morning. What a lucious morning. Don't know why but i'm feeling good today. it's going to be a good day. I hope. So im starting to freak out that i will not have enough time to pack but im sure thats just tomfoolery because like hello, i have THREE DAYS. Oh well. Always the perfectionist...forever a worrier. Today is Katie's birthday (Happy Birthday Katie) I can't believe how old we are all getting. Im going to make my kitchen french provencal....My living room will be classic and a little victorian....my desk nook area will capture my age with post cards and nicknacks...my bedroom will be as sparse and simple classy as possible. Very put together. I wonder if i am allowed to paint. im a little afraid to paint a room...i kinda think i would fuck it up. Where do you meet men? I feel like i need to take the seminar that carrie bradshaw leads in sex and the city on where and how to meet men. Because like hello, i only encounter weirdos. weirdos and losers of one sort or another. i could use some sex. i think im ready..i think its been long enough. i think im over james. im ready to move on. im ready to allow myself physical pleasure again. I hope. but i will not settle for any penis that walks my way. ah, the problem.
Tuesday, May 27, 2003
Boston is a shitty place to live right now. It won't stop raining. It won't get warm. But despite these drawbacks I am going to teach myself how to cook. I want to be a killer cook. I want to rival Martha. I had a decent morning aside from missing the T after the gym. This kind of gave me an upset stomach because i had to hoof it home. yes, my stomach is still a little upset. I am trying to relax it through eating. something tells me this may not be the best way, but it tastes good so fuck it. You know i don't know what is wrong with the service industry as of late but last time i checked when you order a large whatever you expect it to be filled to the top. I guess this is too much to ask for people. Like hello, i know that it is a HOT beverage but im not a TOOL...I won't spill it all over me unless you overfill it. this doesn't mean however to leave two inches of space. Im obsessed with my new apartment. I think it is so perfect I cannot wait to move in.
Monday, May 26, 2003
Here's a brilliant concept: No rain please. Could I see the sun? Could I pack away my scarves and gloves once and for all? could everything just calm down and settle into a happy utopia? Possibly...but not without a fight. Im beginning to think i strive off of stress. im beginning to think i could be very happy very soon.
Sunday, May 25, 2003
I have a new apartment! I visited it today. It is very lovely and I cannot wait to move. Only the process of doing so is bothering me. Grrr...ok, time to work. Lockwood and Ann fucked. Yes, her name is Ann too.
