The Girl Who Knew Too Much
Just me, a glass of wine and my neurotic ideas marked by compulsive thinkingFriday, June 27, 2003
well we have entered a new format here at blogger. how utterly thrilling. i think it may be nearing the time to transition this blog into my own paper journal. it's getting to the point where this is me being anal and fun (which is important) but missing sight of the truth. i'm not happy and i don't have anyone who loves or understands me right now. i am unloved. this is a hard realization to come to and one that i have built for myself. i wonder why..i wonder how this all happened. after watching the hours, which im still not sure i liked or not, i can see the dichotomy between living alone for others and living for others alone. right now i also see that i am niether--i have taken away the choice for so long that i am here, alone for me. i think that is all i need to explain for now.
Wednesday, June 25, 2003
Wow maybe i have been avoiding coming back to the world of blogging after that dousy of an entry. So yesterday i reopened the sexy lines with my dirty secret. I don't know why i did it except its something different and exciting. I know its susposed to be humid and gross today and im sure i will eventually complain my ass off about this, but at least its normal! I mean, it IS summer in NE...i ought to know what those are like having lived in this climate for 22 years. I think im going home this weekend and i cannot wait to lay in the sticky heat by my pool, swat bugs and engross myself in the latest cosmo. Well i have finally outlawed myself from cereal--it is an obsession and it has to stop. You know you have a problem when you can only stop after three bowls. I have been cooking like a madwoman and loving it...each recipe i get a little better, a little more confident. i found out yesterday that james' grandad is really sick and has been given only six months to live. This hurt me...i really loved his family, in a lot of ways just as much as i loved him. they became my family while i was there and they were always so kind and generous toward me. i had never seen a family so genuine as his...having grown up in rich suburbia with ken and barbie families who always try to LOOK perfect, but never are. I am thinking of maybe cooking some cookies and sending them out to california...but i might just write a card. I curse james for robbing me of the chance to see his family while i was out there. i don't care if he was busy, he should have made time. it becomes increasingly more apparent to me that he doesn't care about me at all. which hurts...but what can you do?
I don't want him back i just would like that "we lived together for three years" kind of close friend. I guess not everything can work the way we want--especially in relationships. thats their kicker.
