The Girl Who Knew Too Much
Just me, a glass of wine and my neurotic ideas marked by compulsive thinkingSaturday, July 05, 2003
I went to camp, climbed a mountain and faced some of my worst fears yesterday. Somewhere beneath everything that i show others there is a spiritual side to me, as i think there is to most people. almost nothing brings this out, but when it is there i am relaxed and my words flow like liquid. i enjoy the sound of my voice when it is low and sincere. It has been a long time since i have been very comfortable with anyone. Not that i'm usually uncomfortable, but i am conscious of whether the person i'm with is enjoying themself and try, to some degree, to ensure their enjoyment through my mood. But when you really love and know someone you can lay in silence for hours and it will speak more than any words you could be saying.
Like a break up from a long relationship, camp is a can of worms i choose not to open. I have effectively expelled the heart of it from me and left it only as memories and stories which sometimes i repeat, but never convey what it really was, or what it really did. in some ways i think i move on because it is always painful to dwell on something forever gone and never reattainable. Not only is the camp closed, but my youth is ever fading and i'll never be able to be a girl again. it's also embarrassing because the emotions are so strong. and for me, strong emotions are vulnerability personified. i thought that i was successful in my expunging--it has been years and i've certainly travelled far from the lessons i learned on the shores of lake fairlee--but not as far as i thought. and this in itself was beautiful and heartwrenching. the emotions started on the hike (which, by the way, will take me weeks to recover from), were strengthened by the smell of pine and lake fairlee as i walked barefoot on orange needles and knarled roots to the car for jeans. dripping and covered in sweat and mud. body exhausted yet inexplicably at peace. the sound of children's voices flooding my mind as i started to sing to myself, "when the shadows of evening creep up from the lake, and the last rays of sunshine are gone...at wyoda we gather"
But these were all just precursors. once at camp we stopped first at mclean hall, the former drama stage and meeting area. the place has been sanded, but the same curtains still hang and really, they've done nothing. I immediately went to the back room yelling to kate that they couldn't have sanded ALL the graffitti. low and behold they forgot the back stage exit. "Becky Binder wuz Captain Hook '93." "Jessica Rowland '92" and of course, "Ann Kerrigan." No date, just my cursive signiture that i wrote with hopes that someday it would be the early autograph of a famous actress. That was the first welling of tears.
It wasn't until we went to Bung 3 and I read Kate my Ode to Wyoda that i start balling. She put her arms around me and said "You even smell like camp."
This may all seem over melodramatic but it's weird. It's like Wyoda is a ghost to these people that fades more each year but they can't expell us completely. My paintings still decorate the haunted fire bung that Alex and I were exiled too after the incident...my signiture and all the people i knew still decorates the darker crevices that parent's don't see on visiting day. But the new campers see them, they have to. I wonder if they sit and wonder who "Liz D" was, like I used to. Her name is fucking everywhere. Sure, the bathroom no longer reads "Plop, Plop Fizz Fizz oh what a relief it is." But the Mirror in the Jungle showerhouse still writes "Take a close look, it will only get worse." and still has some freaky drawing of a 70's dude with a fro. And the tools at the boathouse merely painted over the In and Out board--if you look closely you can still trace "Wyoda" beneath the layers of paint. And i know, *KNOW* that if we had been allowed in the arts and crafts hut that the costumes would still be hidden on the second floor.
And the smells...are stronger than ever. For someone who never felt they fit in--at home or at school--camp was my home. it taught me i could belong and for the first time i experienced true happiness. To this day, i know i was happy in the moment and happy in retrospect. it is rare for those two to harmoniously coincide, especially when dealing with relationships forever gone.
Wednesday, July 02, 2003
What is wrong with us? I just read a friend's blog and was inspired to comment. When it comes to weight there are more issues than anything else today. Whether it be people's ignorance to their bodies or their obsessional dieting, it is rare you find someone who doesn't suffer from a kind of weightobia. Simply put--we all have our hang ups and when we go to bed, we all know where we stand as far as the "ideal body" is concerned. But being happy and living life isn' t about being "ideal"--it's about being you. If you are very concerned with your physical appearance or health, maybe you take measures to keep yourself trim. Or maybe you just tell yourself you're doing it for you when you're really doing it for him. Whatever your reasons, whatever your appetite and weight, you have some issues. this given, you don't need other people to add to your own neurotic criticisms. What happens to your stability and happiness the one day you let yourself forget to count calories and are truly smiling cuz the sun is shining and you aren't measuring every morsel of food you consume, some asshole comes and yells "Why don't you lose some weight?" Just leave women alone...leave people alone. Be respectful of them the way you would want someone to be of you. This transends further than weight--don't be manipulative or relay your own insecurities onto others through insults and caddiness. We are who we are--and it's for no one to judge except for us. As long as a person is not so obese they need two airplane tickets or so skinny you are afraid they might break then lay off those around you and let them be. try to look beyond how they size up to you--because believe me, it goes BOTH ways. Having people look down on you and having people envy you BOTH suck. Just be content with YOU and look to THEM for a smile and not an ego trip.
I am officially going batty today. I can't remember things i did two seconds ago and am throwing accusations around my work like there's no tomorrow. i left my apple on the table *unknowingly* and someone took it *understandably, table is free reign* but i didn't KNOW i left it on the table or REMEMBER taking it out of my lunch sack. So im here like Did someone go into my lunch bag and TAKE my pink lady apple??? Highly unlikely. Same story with my water. Im losing it here guys. Im just a little absentminded really but its frustrating to be so out of it and tired. Im not even tired really, just a little under the weather. wow, im spacing out. ok, back to work. at least in my new alztimers time passes relatively quickly.
