The Girl Who Knew Too Much
Just me, a glass of wine and my neurotic ideas marked by compulsive thinkingThursday, July 10, 2003
While doing my makeup in preparations to go out, I had an epiphone. I have been very unhappy since the whole Jen thing. And the period before that, was my happiest time. I was on a roll--everything was wonderful and she fucking robbed me of that. And now that I'm finally starting to become happy once again I feel I am just barely getting to TASTE the point at which SHE forced me to hate myself. Well I fucking HATE her. She screwed with my head and I hope she is miserable.
I actually fucking mean that.
The fact that I can start to love myself the way I did then is making me realize what she has stolen from me. Time is so precious--I guess this is life, a series of backwards and forwards (i.e. ups and downs, which ever way you look at it) and learning to build the skin to forget your past feelings and live for the moment. Life is so fucking beautiful--we need to open our eyes and see this all the time. People are good if you are good to them--if they get on your nerves, don't lie and try to be nice--just be yourself and leave them alone. It is obvious when someone is being nice just for the sake of being nice, or lying to avoid the uncomfortable two seconds it would take to speak the truth. Just be real.
Wednesday, July 09, 2003
Life just comes together sometimes.
I don't know exactly what I'm becoming. I have strange dreams, I pee way too often, I wonder to myself if toothpaste has any calories, I feel ugly and unkept--but somehow I am happy. Or maybe I am miserable and I just don't know it. I really don't know.
I have been feeling terribly ugly lately. Like the unwanted hermit who crawls out of her shell only to function and then crawls back to her secluded life. Perhaps this is an outgrowth of being by myself so often. I know I am not ugly at all--it's not really physical appearance that is getting me down...it's everything. I just don't know how to LOOK SOCIAL anymore. This makes me weird--it makes me feel weird in public. But like i said, I am not complaining or trying to walk down some path of "I'm so ugly let me fish for compliments by saying negative things that aren't true." I am happy in my ugliness (I think), and in a way it is moreover my lack of constantly being aware of how I look. Ugliness could be more aptly named confidence. Though i still wonder sometimes if I have not crawled a little too deeply into being comfortable with me to the point where i am ONLY comfortable with me. That is where you have the problem and become too weird to ever be loved again.
A lot was accomplished today. I have furniture. Last night I beat my fear of the raw shrimp and deveined and cooked them. (this took me over a week, i seriously thought they might still be alive). Like I said, I am very irrational in my "independence." But it is such a pleasure to sit at a desk once again and be able to work through the neurotic nature of my brain. For it is most certainly neurotic.
Evan, an old flame from my "I talk to boys I don't know on AOL" phase, has IMed me today and alerted me that he is moving to Boston. So strange that out of all my Aol flames he was the only one who got to me. Granted, I was only 15 at the time and probably didn't know shit about love, but i did cry for the fucker. I don't forsee anything happening for a variety of reasons, but it would be nice to meet him when I return from Copenhagen.
Ah, Copenhagen. Where to start with that can of beans? I am so petrified of everything from not making any friends to getting fat and coming back "undesireable." I don't know if I'm more afraid of going there or coming back. Sometimes I wonder how i can be smart and incredibly stupid at the same time. I worry too much. I need to relax. Just don't ever tell me I need to relax because that will just piss me off because clearly I know this. See what I mean?? Relax, girlfriend.
Well I have gotten a lot off my chest and it is now time for me to retire. I plan on running tomorrow and possibly doing a hot oil treatment on my hair before work. The ends have been so frazzled!
p/s my nails are getting really long and i don't think i actually like it. after years of biting and peeling, never dreaming i would be able to have long nails, I kind of miss my bloody nubs.
I take that back. Ann, do not start biting again. Note to Self.
Monday, July 07, 2003
Well this is going to be lame but i need to straighten out my plans onto something concrete so here goes. I have to go to the bank and learn about international bank transfers. i can't do this however until i repark my car at noon. also, before the bank and after the noon car parking, i want to stop by sta travel and see what they can do about open ended tickets to denmark. After the bank, I want to speak to my realtors about my trip to copenhagen and arrange how i will be making the rent payments. during the car not allowed to park period i need to buy a new full length mirror because my one last night broke and shattered and well, i feel lost without it. in fact i feel fat without it. i need something to see myself in, sick isn't it? I think so. i hate vanity but i am a victim. I should also probably organize the materials for my next meal...but im so sick of spending money *believe it or not* i am just feeling down in the money area. so much to pay for. i also wouldn't mind some real luggage to travel to denmark with, but alas, i can't even think about that when i still don't have a dining table or my rent covered in denmark. Oy vey.
