The Girl Who Knew Too Much
Just me, a glass of wine and my neurotic ideas marked by compulsive thinkingSaturday, July 19, 2003
Don't you find it true that if you dread something enough it never turns out being as bad as you feared and you have an unexpected tolerable (notice i didn't say "good" for a reason) time? And because it was "tolerable" and not "terrible" it does in fact feel "good" to have participated in? Well, such was the case with my excursion to Ogunquit. So many summers I spent there as a girl, the drive alone was both kathartic, empowering and depressin. As time passes and I see less and less of any social stimulation it is becoming abundantly clear that I walk alone. Sometimes I wonder if that means I have to be super strong because I have no one to depend on if i fall prey to weakness. I think this is the case....however I also believe that the strength I am exurting only propels me further from the greater social world. I am not sure if this is good or bad, but certainly appears to be the case. I just finished cleaning my apartment. I am lookoig forward to sleeping as late as I desire tomorrow and awaking to the sweet lingering scent of my swiffer wet jet. Although I still have a lot to do for my house in preparation before I leave, it has come together nicely. While cleaning I couldn't help by remark on all I have accomplished these past few weeks. I dont know why more people don't love me, I think I'm pretty amazing. I don't know why I'm so boney all of a sudden. I don't feel skinnier but my hip bones are protruding ridiculously. I don't like it. Im not sure what I will do tomorrow and it feels wonderful. I am trying not to preplan my day for once and just let it happen. Already of course I have some plans in mind--there is the "Stay home in PJs and work on house" mode...or the "Go see cheesy girly matinee of legally blonde" option...the more sophisticated "It's a nice day I'll walk to Cambridge and watch a British romantic comedy based on a great novel at Kendall Square" ...or yet again the "Let's just buy a dining table even if it isn't everything my heart desires"....or "let's plan some yummy dishes to cook for next week"....then naturally I could just read and watch movies on my designer couch. Jesus, I hate those pop up fucks that come up when im typing online. They started a few months ago and seem to get worse daily. someone should shoot them...or i should just get a better pop up stopper. Clearly the one I have has become obsolete. Motherfucking technology. Such a blessing and such a fucking curse.
As i sit with my coffee after the first good night of sleep in over a week I can feel nothing but dread for what this day will bring. I am hoping for the best but anticipating the worst.
Its amazing how sometimes routines can control your life. When do they start being more of a hindrance than a comfort? That's the line I'm trying to define as I prepare for my run and plan what I will have for breakfast. (I was bad and gave into the cereal cravings last night. My casserole turned out well but i burned my lovely muffins--it made me so mad I had to pig out--bad Ann). It's been so long since i've slept well and really wanted to stay in bed--it's a shame I had to get up. I know my body really needs the rest, it has been truly aching lately. Well i really don't have much else to say. I hope I can find my way to Ogunquit well and have a nice time. Cross your fingers for good weather and wish me luck. I'll be back tonight. (PLEASE let there be parking...)
Friday, July 18, 2003
Well I guess i was susposed to put my picture up at work--my name was only erroneously omitted from the email list. Big Deal. They still didn't say anything about my hair and continue to be caddy hoe bags about the way I dress and look. Fucking forget it. Maybe I'm just too melodramatic and take things a little too much to heart--or perhaps I'm only sensitive because I'm so lonely. I don't even know.
I made a kick ass spinach casserole last night from my own recipe. I also am inventing the first healthy muffin that actually tastes like heaven. (This one I am almost there, I believe the next batch will be sublime). I have officially kicked the cereal habit--i don't even crave it anymore. My new favorite herb is basil and i am having a lot of success in the kitchen as of late. And my work wonders why I don't want to gorge myself with nasty luke warm peanut oil soaked chinese beef? Because i MADE something better. What a concept!
I really shouldn't let that situation affect me so much, however. It's not worth it and alltogether too juvenile. I have to go to Maine tomorrow to see my Grandfather. I really do not want to do this. I am dreading it like I dread being stuffed with twinkies. Worse, actually. At least you can shit out the twinkies. But i know it's for a "good cause" so i will go, smile, and try not to be reduced to sounding incompetant and nervous.
Hopefully the weather will be nice. My only shread of possibility for a good time would be a deliciously beautiful Ogunquit day.
God, are you there?
-Ann
Thursday, July 17, 2003
No one at work said anything about my hair. Ok, so its not like I chopped it into a pixie cut, but i did take FOUR INCHES off. God, they hate me so much. Another one of my co workers accused me of being anoerexic--and you WONDER why i DON'T eat in the lunchroom. The last thing I need is a bunch of fat caddy married hoes watching every morsel I put into my mouth. I also hate the way my boss gives me assignments--in this whiny voice like I'm doing her some HUGE favor. It's my JOB, EVERYTHING i do there sucks. Whether she thinks one thing sucks more than another really only aggravates me more. Especially when presented to me in that baby voice she uses--like its CUTE or something. Oh, and we are having this "Guess the baby pictures" thing on the staff bulletin board. Well, GUESS who wasn't asked to bring their photo in? You got it. Me and my sexy new hair cut.
On lighter news, while riding the T home I sat with this hot guy who struck up conversation that lasted for the duration of the ride. (of course he broke the ice by asking me how tall I was...sometimes being freakishly tall can be a great ice breaker)...anyways he was cute and I liked him. I wish he had asked me for my number, but that would have been cheesy, right? I don't even know! Anyway, i figure if i seem him again today its meant to be--if not, its not. But i do know he appreciated my new hair. :) (Even if i couldnt recreate what my hairdresser did, it still looked nice yesterday--minus the humidity frizzies).
Off to the shower and off to be insulted more at work. YAY we're having a party. I'll have to make sure I eat twenty donuts in order to fit in.
Wednesday, July 16, 2003
Don't you hate it when you remember you had a thousand things you wanted to do online and then you forget them all when you actually sit down to do them? I do. The phone call with Don was tedious--he reduced me to stuttering and sounding like a fucking ten year old. He is so intimidating and well, it's hard to ask someone your Mother loathes to pay for your education. It's hard for me merely to discuss money with family. *what's my major again?* I had a delicious run though and now I'm going to shower and play with my hair. (Seeing as i obviously can't remember these "pressing" things I needed to do online this morning)
Tuesday, July 15, 2003
I LOVE my new haircut. Splendid! Marvelous! I only hope I can recreate it tomorrow....
I have to call my Mother now in order to get my Grandfathers phone number to tell him that
a) im going to copenhagen
b) he has to pay
c) by international money transfer due on August First.
I feel so privelaged to have such a dysfunctional family that my fucking grandfather and mother are not on speaking terms. Awkward? NOOOO never. It's a wonder I have put it off so long! HO HO HO
Other pressing issues I have avoided tackling
1) Talk to landlord about paying rent while abroad
2) Installing towell bar
3) Buying dining set
4) Organizing closet
5) Commencing to pack
6) Give notice at work
7) Get ahold of Consulate General to ensure I'll have my passport back
8) BLAH that's already too much!
Ok, off to call my Mom. I may sound stressed but I'm actually deliriously happy because i love my hair!
I am about to go off into the wonderful world of haircutting. I can't wait. I need a haircut badly--i feel i have really been letting my appearance "go" so to speak. It's nice not to care so much anymore because it makes when you do try seem all the more special and for you--not "them." I just need a change--no matter how small. I do hate it though when people try to TELL me what i should do to my hair-- "No don't cut it" "You should cut it really short" It annoys me. Maybe because I don't know if they are insinuating there is something "wrong" with my hair if it is not the way they are advising. Oh well. There is so much I need to accomplish for Copenhagen that I need to get moving about. If anything, getting my hair cut will actually be the stimulator to get those things done. Whenever i indulge myself I become much more productive after. I love my apartment. I love everything about it and I know it's going to be hard to leave it. For all the pain this trip is causing, I truly am excited however to travel abroad.
I, I, I. All I ever talk about in here is me. Maybe that's because I'm not close to anyone right now enough to want to comment on their life. Perhaps this means I should be looking at the greater human race then, but they are all so borring. Sure it's interesting to people watch, but what makes people really interesting--what makes them stick into your memory--are their thoughts and feelings. The details of their life gathered through conversation. And these details obviously then require some form of relationship.
I had a wonderful breakfast--all major food groups and very filling. Lately my metabolism has been off the hook and somehow I have lost ten pounds though I have been eating more than ever! I even had my first red meat burger the other night in I don't know how long. Funny how your weight just flucuates without direct correlation to what you are eating and doing. I think it all works around my period. I'm seriously convinced.
Everytime I think I'm ready for love again I start to let it in and then just reject it. There is nothing more aggravating then someone who EXPECTS you to email or call them and TELLS you that they miss you if you're just leaving for a fucking weekend. LAME.
I am so doommed to be single. In order to have me love again I will need someone to shake me and analyze me and know me better than I know me. Imagine some sort of Someone Like You Ashley Judd Hugh Jackman thing. I could star in my own romantic comedy. PLEASE let George Clooney or Hugh Grant play the lead!
Thanks!
