The Girl Who Knew Too Much
Just me, a glass of wine and my neurotic ideas marked by compulsive thinkingFriday, August 01, 2003
Sometimes there's nothing like a blog to kick you in the ass. I just took the "objective" read down my blog and found myself embarrassingly trite, sensitive, insightful and kind of funny. Doctor's diagnosis: i need to relax and spend time deciding who I am. Maybe I just like being by myself right now? I shouldn't let anyone else's opinions bother me or be frightened that I'm running away from facing myself. I can change what I don't like and I know this--if I was unhappy staying in all the time, I would go out. If I needed love I would accept other's advances. I'm going to be just fine if I just stay true to that voice deep inside that knows you better than anyone ever will.
It's Friday night, I have plans I have been looking forward to all week and.....I cancel. Why? Because I would rather sit alone in my underwear in my apartment. I am so fucking lame. I just called a friend and she asked me "What time are you going to bed?" meaning, "I know it's Friday night and you will not only NOT be going out, even though it's just 10 o'clock now, BUT you will also be going to bed soon." Do you know how that made me feel? Like shit. I don't know why I value my time alone but I was just really trying to listen to my body tonight and it didn't want to go out. I actually have a lot of energy, it's not that--it's just that I don't want to engage in conversation right now. I don't communicate well anymore, I don't even know who I am when I open my mouth. I only know myself in thought and well...it's like I'm developing very anti-social tendencies. I just want someone to understand me--to get me--to make me. To see something in me and tell me what it is so I know who I am to other people. I mean, that's how you develop a social identity, right? Oh god...who knows. I just question myself all the time. I never know if I say the right thing, or if people believe me or properly receive the messages I'm trying to send. It certainly never seems to be that way. I think people think me to be a lot more bitchy than I am and that worries me more. I just know I'm going to end up alone -- not because I choose to but because I have built an unrealistic fantasy that I cannot break. I will not lead the perfect life I see before me and no one is going to come to "save me." Relationships can't be about "saving people," can they? Fucking Clark Gable doesn't exist. Jesus I need to stop renting romantic comedies about soul mates and crap like that it's really messing with my brain. I feel like the topic of soulmates has just consumed my day--beginning with the Do soul mates exist? Sex and the City episode at the gym and concluding with a monster of a "there is just one out there for you, don't despair, if you stop looking he will come" movies. Oh lord, and I just can't believe i cancelled on Kate. I DID HAVE PLANS--I WAS GOING TO DRINK AND DANCE AND HOOK UP. God, why didn't I? I just don't think I could be fake enough tonight for that. Maybe that's it, I'm not feeling fake right now...and i can't be "me" because she doesn't have a place in club lingo. This was total stream of consciousness.
This morning I'm completely high strung and I don't know why. I keep rushing from one thing to the next as if I'll never have enough time. Its crazy! I dropped a vitamen into my coffee this morning and it was the nastiest thing ever. Its raining really hard outside and i was so smart to bring my umbrella to the gym. At the gym they were also playing sex and the city which was nice. You know, I don't think I know what I look like anymore. I feel I have changed so much that I am hardly recognizeable even to myself. It's very disorienting and kind of unnerving really. Usually this sort of "rediscovery" is exciting, but not this time. I really wonder if I am still loveable and desireable. A large part of me thinks that I'm not. It used to be "i'm waiting for someone to notice me" now it's "I'm waiting for someone who has the balls to challenge me" the latter is much harder to find. of course it's nice not to have to fixate on romance and rejection, but as time passes I don't see myself as living life with someone. I don't think that someone exists for me. I dont mean that in a "woe is me" kind of way, i mean it quite seriously and matter of fact. I'm not desireable the way i used to be--cute, giggly, cuddy, with a wild side--and i'm not sure how, if at all, I am desireable now.
Thursday, July 31, 2003
Good Morning. I had weird, sexy dreams last night. For the first time in awhlie i'm fucking horny and wouldn't mind a little action. Im going out on Friday night and I'm thinking I might just hook up with one of those lame o's at the club. I know I won't enjoy it persay but I need someone to grab my tits or i'm going to scream! Last night I dreamt that I had this loser boyfriend--we broke up and then got back together for the benefit of my family. Anyway....there was this one point of the dream (after my Dad and I hijacked a plane to Japan) where he just...wow...and yeah...we...you know. Wow. I miss that! Well it's off to my shower for me. I had a yummy omelet for breakfast and am feeling good. Im going to miss having my own kitchen to cook each morning. would you believe i've almost totally kicked the borring cereal habit? I have just been eating so well lately...I actually prefer staying in to going out. I don't like the way restuarants make everything twenty times more fattening than it has to be! A cream sauce doesnt mean it needs to be SOAKED in cream...pasta does not really come in bucket sizes! And hello, dressings CAN be low fat and NOT over run with vinegar! P.U. Ok, I'm outie...
Sunday, July 27, 2003
When I close my eyes right now I can feel the music of my body and spirit flowing in perfect harmony. It has been awhile since I have experienced such emotional density and it makes me feel safe. I just finished watching The Piano and I have not ever been so emotionally moved by a film. It was rapturous and completely original. I feel I understand a piece of someone's soul, that this woman has crawled inside me and moved me to speak her music. These aftershocks of emotion keep pouring out of me and I feel complete. Satisfied. The right words do not exist to describe how I feel--the very point of the film. Her music is her voice. Sometimes music fills the gaps of emotions that words can never describe. Music can capture the essence of it's creator's life and put it to a melody that requires no interpretation. I don't know what I shall do today, but I know this euphoria will last a long time. Unlike thoughts which change constantly, feelings are long remembered.
