The Girl Who Knew Too Much
Just me, a glass of wine and my neurotic ideas marked by compulsive thinkingThursday, August 14, 2003
After three nervous breakdowns, a huge suitcase, a couple of really lonely, pathetic moments, a naked video I am finally ready to clean once more, take one last boston run, shower and pack the rest of my toilitries. The moment, as they say, is nigh. I think that actually means night but it's time to put the finishing touches on me and boston. i haven't been able to sleep and everything hurts. It should be nice to be around my parents-anyone-before i leave, leave. i couldn't be more thankful that i have someone to take me to the airport. it's been so hard...driven home by the fact that no one has come to say goodbye. i guess *and this is what my mom says as well* this is a good thing...but it's hard when you have no one in your life who cares for you enough to have to say goodbye. it all brings back memories of cassie and going to college freshman year. She insisted on spending every second with me and even came back crying after our "last cry" to my house for "one last hug." And i was only moving an hour and a half away! I remember we sat in her car outside my house for two hours crying and talking the night before i left. I asked james last night if he ever missed me. the response took a long time, and i think he only said "sometimes" because he didn't want to hurt my feelings by saying "no. " it's a little sad that the people i've given the most of myself to don't seem to really care about me anymore. maybe that's a little melodramatic. i just can't stop crying...i don't know who i am anymore and i feel like i'm not a very likeable person. i have this fear that no one is going to like me in denmark and i'm going to continue to fade ever further into the realm of not meaning anything to anyone but my parents. i'm so lonely. i really thought someone *anyone?* would call me last night...but the phone never rang. not once. hopefully when i leave denmark there will be someone there to watch me pack. i missed that. i really missed that this time. everyone says its so hard to leave someone...well in a lot of ways its even harder to leave when there is no one. well we dig our own graves i suspose. at least i don't have to worry about ruining or jeopardizing any relationships over here.
Tuesday, August 12, 2003
I don't want to pack but I have to. I am having fun just having free time. I dont want to pack but I have to. Blah. I dont really have anything else to say which wouldn't take great depths of explaining and I don't want to take the time to do that. Im currently awaiting my muffins completion of cooking in the oven and then I intend on returning to my movie. Im bad, I know it. Ill deal with shit in my own time though and that alone feels orgasmic.
