The Girl Who Knew Too Much
Just me, a glass of wine and my neurotic ideas marked by compulsive thinkingFriday, September 26, 2003
Well since I last wrote I had sex and fucked up my face. Some asshole got me with his bike and i went flying to the pavement--nose, chin, and lips first. I have never done anything like this to myself before--im petrified to think of the potential scarring, revolted to look in the mirror and in so much pain it hurts to eat. I know i shouldn't complain too much but it is very emotional...i was in such a good mood too when it happened! Luckilly I have very wonderful people here who buy me chocolate (i can't eat) and help me to pick the rocks and crusted blood off my face and can still manage to tell me im pretty. Gotta love the Swiss--they are truly caring people. I just hope this clears up before I go to London! It would suck to travel with a bloody chin. Oh and the sex? Like the first time, i thought it would be something after waiting so long and it was just sex. It was good...but no fireworks.
Tuesday, September 23, 2003
Ok, wow. I just had the strangest sexual night of my life and I have to say I think i loved it. I still am uncomfortable with my body now...but the erotic/sensual nature of the evening allowed me to put those fears enough on the back burner to enjoy myself. I hate the fact that no matter what you can't win with female body image--i'm always either too fat or too skinny, never just right. I just miss my breasts...so badly. I feel like I had cancer and they have been chopped off. I have been eating desserts everyday in hopes to build some fat in there but they are just not the same. It sucks because I am so confident about areas I used to hate on my body but I have been ripped of what I loved most when I was fooling around with someone. But really, it doesn't matter and I shouldn't be focusing on critiquing myself because it leads to a big, fat brick wall. No one is perfect, I just miss being soft. Oh well, I love having the confidence to walk around completely naked though for hours with someone I have only known for a short time and not feel the need to say anything or to hold any conversation. It was so sensual to just not talk during all of it--not really say a word....just let the subtilties of being near to someone act as the running text. This is what I need...I got my mystery, surprize and well-- suspense. I have no idea what will happen next. Of course in all this silence I also didn't get the typical american exoltations of my beauty, etc....making me feel in a way more challenged and excited to impress and also a little unsure of my sexual appeal. but i will go with letting actions speak louder than words. I know the next time i see him (thursday--he wanted wednesday, i thought i might want another day to digest) there will be the premis of sex. (I had my period last night). I don't know how to confront the issue of protection and/or being tested. That's one of the things weighing on my mind. I don't need or want to know his sexual past but it seemed as though last night he would have had sex without protection which kind of urked me. I think this is exacerbated by the fact that i had a freaky dream last night where he laughed at me when i asked him to get a condom and said "we don't do that in denmark" and then got confused when I asked him if he had been tested. But fuck me if I'll do anything without saying something--i just hope it's not too awkward. But what can you do? Unfortunately we live in a disease ridden world where you can't just fuck whoever whenever. Call it cruel, it's how the game is played. especially for this kid. My favorite thing about all this is i have no idea what he really thinks of me. There's so much unspoken and i like it that way. I realize the biggest downfall to James and mine relationship was that we spent all of our time talking about ourselves and our pasts that once those topics became exhausted we really had nothing to talk about. He, in effect, became very borring. I don't want or need anyone to know everything about me...i don't want to talk about what im thinking or feeling all the time. Sometimes its best to just shut up and let the other person wonder and keep your thoughts to yourself. it keeps things interesting, more honest really....wow, ok time to go to school. Its amazing that with all the fun i have and all the places i go everyday I am still in school. It's a good thing that Denmark classes are nothing like how they are at BU otherwise I would be up shit creek without a paddle.
