The Girl Who Knew Too Much
Just me, a glass of wine and my neurotic ideas marked by compulsive thinkingMonday, September 29, 2003
I really fucking hate this. I have no self esteem anymore so that i don't even really mind so much the fact that i am a horrible sight to see right now. I don't know what has happened to it...but it just isn't there anymore. I feel i do not have a sexual identity anymore. I'm also freaked out because i really do not want facial scarring, my hair seems to be falling out at a rapid rate, and i let morten have sex with me for about a minute without a condom and he has never been tested and i think has slept with many girls. FUCK. So now im going to be a balding aids patient with a scarred face. Man, and I am seeing him on Wednesday--i guess this will be a real fucking test. Can he stand me when i look like an absolute casualty? Will he just try to use me for sex? Am i nothing to him? Does he even find me sexy? Grrr...Why am I being such a fucking girl? Oh yeah, because i fucked up my face and now my whole world is falling apart. you know the thing is that im actually really not THAT bothered by it...and that is what really bothers me. I should care...i should not want people to see me...but im just like "whatever, yes i fell im taking care of it and i hope it heals." Sure i don't like it and i wouldn't wish it upon myself again, but its there and its healing so everyday is a little better than the one before. If anything its amazing to watch how quickly your body responds and heals to shock. It really is amazing piece of machinery our bodies are. I mean yeah vampires on TV can heal their wounds in about two seconds, but we can really do it without computers in about two weeks (im hoping it will clear up at least for my trip to london!) Oh and C, i tried calling you but couldn't get the numba to work! Anyway I think i have rambled enough woe is me and should start my reading for EU. Oy vey. I can be so juvenile sometimes. Im just very obsessed with my health--and sometimes i think its unhealthy! I just don't want to be scarred, bald, or HIV in fected!!!!!!!
