The Girl Who Knew Too Much
Just me, a glass of wine and my neurotic ideas marked by compulsive thinkingFriday, October 17, 2003
Ho hum. This has been a dismal week marked by many days of homesickness and...yeah, homesickness. I miss my family. I miss english, warmth. The danish are starting to seem much colder to me than at first. Im just sick and tired of always being confronted with another language. I guess this has been more apparent this week because I havent been in school--which is predominantly english speaking. Im also feeling very rejected from Morten. Maybe I only want him now because he isn't as actively pursuing me and I fear i have done something wrong but I miss his company and can't help but wonder what he thinks of me and why he doesn't want to do anything with me. Maybe he has met someone else? Maybe I did something? I would like to know....just to know, what is going on in his head. I realize i sound like such a girl right now but im so confused on how i feel enough--it would be nice to know where he stands. Im just so tired all the time...maybe i should shower. Maybe i should take a brisk walk. Or perhaps I should just lie down. In london i felt so beautiful and loved--understood and accepted. Here i always feel like an outsider....awkward and only here to observe, not really to live. It's a very strange feeling. I don't even know how i feel about the whole sex thing--I mean i had sex with someone else and i don't even seem to care. I feel i should. Right now im longing for love...a companion. everyone's significant other is here visiting this week and it makes me lonesome for that kind of intimacy. Im really ready to be loved again. Last night we went out to the Australian Bar and as always I just feel awkward around people and with people touching me. There must have been something different about Morten because although my acceptance of wanting to be loved has changed, my general revulsion to intimacy with most people has remained intact. Oh bother....I'm such a nutter sometimes. At least I can honestly say I have not abandoned the female race. Last night Dusty and I hung out till late. It so happens he keeps an online diary as well--i wonder if it is as silly as mine is turning out to be. Truth be told though, these are my thoughts, plain, simple, unabashed. Sure i think deeper things as well, but i also feel and there is a part of me--a part of everyone--that is very vulnerable and centered only around feeling. In some ways these are the most irrational parts of a person's character, but in others they are the most honest. So yes, I miss Morten and would like to see him again soon. I wonder if he will ever miss me.
