The Girl Who Knew Too Much
Just me, a glass of wine and my neurotic ideas marked by compulsive thinkingSaturday, November 22, 2003
We had a huge party last night and when i say huge i mean huge. i read this morning, after three hours of sleep, that writing in a daily journal can help you to destress and relax. maybe i have been neglecting my blog too much. so right lastnight: there were maybe 500 people here...totally nuts. i manned the "bar" and really felt like i stepped into coyote ugly or something. After a day of very low self esteem i suppose it was nice to admired...but still, i flounder to feel confident in my looks when it comes time to "get hot." I think a large part of it is being in denmark where no one speaks your language anyway--for instance, when i went to london i never felt more sizzling. I guess we will see when i return to the states and stop riding my fucking bike everyday through the rain (not exactly a glamour how-to-feel-hot pointer). Anyways, the house is trashed and smells like piss. I didn't get into my room until 5 and most people followed about a half an hour later. So right, they won't be getting up soon. So its like 9 30 and i've just finished my breakfast and i have no idea what to do. i really should start working hardcore on some homework and i feel i need to leave this house before a bunch of a hungover people get up and....yeah...i just don't want to deal with the cleaning of this shit. i mean call me crazy or lazy but i don't see why the fuck i should: i mean, yes, i live here and i was at the party but fuuuuuuck, im going to drag my heels on this one. I always do "whats right" well i want to be a lazy bitch. Sue me. Anyways--what to do with the time. Im debating whether or not to bring my computer to school and type up my synopsis for innovation management. I just don't know how many hours of consciousness i have left in me. I don't think i will feel i've done anything worthwhile however if i stay in this dump all day. In fact, that decides it (maybe diary writing really does help you to collect your thoughts). I will pack my shit, ride my horrible bicycle to school and get some work done. Oh god, this might be a huge mistake, but i guess im willing to give it a try. Maybe that way i can get really tired and pass out early feeling that i at least tried to be productive today. Ok, decided. Comment on drunk people: I'm too old for that shit. Getting drunk and being "really happy" is one thing...but why do you have to just "make out" with everyone and love simply "everything"--aren't you robbing yourself of your integrity and your god given gift of being able to ascertain whom you really like and whom you don't?
I guess some people just don't think like me.
Tuesday, November 18, 2003
Wow its amazing how much the weather can dictate your mood sometimes. Its just overcast and rainy and i have no motivation. Every crevice of my body seems to be aching and i just want to scream "let me sleep and do nothing" but even the thought of exerting enough enery to scream is too much right now. I am absolutely frozen and sopping wet after just returning from a lovely bike ride in the pouring rain from city center to here. At least I didnt have a flat tire or an accident--i had that much going for me. And luckily as well i was homeward bound and able to change. So yes now im home faced with massive amounts of work and the internal pressure to get something in my stomach and get to bed at a decent hour. ive actually gotten more used to seeing myself in glasses than without that when i wear contacts, like today, i barely recognize myself. ive also started parting my hair on the other side--im not sure if i like this or not, i think it may accentuate the odd shape of my head but who knows. Fuck....the troubles one goes through just to feel beautiful. Off to the kitchen--then work.
Monday, November 17, 2003
Ok I just suck. I know it has been forever since I have written but its not like I havent been thinking of you, dear blog. Its unfortunate that the times i feel the greatest motivation to write are those times when it is impossible to find a computer and privacy. This weekend I went to Germany and saw Radiohead. Not only was it one of the best concerts i have been to, but i really needed to get out of copenhagen. For all its glory, it is truly an exhausting place to live. it is nice to get a taste of something new and then come back home to something "familar." So what has been plaguing me lately? My lovely new glasses are now scratched after horsing around in germany--not good. Classes are winding down and I have a lot of group work to do--not good. Im still insecure about myself and my place but at the same time more secure than ever--i don't know what exactly this compromise of polar emotions means, but it's strange to feel so conflicted about myself. i think when you are very close with someone it is easier to define yourself in comparison to them--no matter what you have a foundation to fall back on and it can be reassuring as you continue your own development. However, for the first time (although it has been awhlie now) i don't have this foundation and yeah, its great but yeah, it's also very exposing for me to the troubles and insecurities which surround my own perception. Especially my sexual appeal. I don't know. There's a guy Dave who I'm kind of interested in hooking up with, but I have no idea where his interests lie. I find myself fantasizing about him although he is nothing of what I would normally want or ask for. (side note: my god there is a fucking ruckus going on above me right now, sometimes i am really looking forward to breaking out from dorm life). Back to dave--well that's all really, just a little crush. I think i am really THAT desperate for some american ass. Kinda sad what Denmark does to a girl! :) Well i feel i have blabbered enough for now though i intend on staying in better contact.
