The Girl Who Knew Too Much
Just me, a glass of wine and my neurotic ideas marked by compulsive thinkingWednesday, January 14, 2004
It's cold as balls outside, I have a shitload of homework to do, and I still havent spoken with Marco. Finally I have stopped thinking so much about it--could it be that im now in school? Anyway, I think i'm over it. Now if he could only permenately stay out of my life.
Being back at school is great. Sure, I don't want to do the work, but the people are so nice and so familar....and well, it makes me feel like ME again! Sure, Im still nervous and shit...nervous that people think im ugly or stupid or annoying, but frankly i care less and less. I have also lost my negativity spin--im happy to be there and i don't mind listening to other people anymore. Even if i disagree, i think its interesting.
Wow, its fucking cold outside. more to write later.
Sunday, January 11, 2004
Marco is a dead end but I keep coming back. I don't want to care because I know it can go no where, but there's something about him. It's like through all his arrogance and self assurance he's very vulnerable, and that makes me smile. It's like I get him. He's dirty and kind--a combination almost impossible to find. He also could give two shits about me, and i have to keep that in check. I don't harbor any serious emotion toward him but I could become addicted.
Then there's Evan. God only knows how I feel about him. I don't want to see him, yet I know I'll have to. What if I end up liking him. I know i'm ready for a real relationship (i.e. not some random fucking with marco), but I'm so scared. I really don't know what I need. But I do know I shouldn't see Marco again. Everytime I see him he fucks me up, in a good way, but maybe too good. He takes away my control and allows me to be more spontaneous and happy--naturally reminiscent of california, but is this really good? I mean shouldn't I find something real and not something fake? I think the reason I let Marco in is BECAUSE I KNOW there's no threat of him ever really invading my life. But dammit, that's not healthy unless i'm completely confident in my place. I may have been when we first fooled around but I AM NOT now. This is why he has to go. I would never let myself be hurt.
Oh god, and now there's Benny too (need to return the phone call). Why, may i ask, do i always fall for guys with girlfriends? What the fuck is my problem? While rewatching Sex and the City, I can't help but ask the same question as Carrie, Do we keep on dating the same guys? Lord only knows.
Why did Kate have to tell me Marco was gorgeous? Is he? I don't even know if he turns me on physically, I just like the way he thinks and talks. NOW THAT'S FUCKED UP. (and dangerous)
Lord help me forget,
Ann
