The Girl Who Knew Too Much
Just me, a glass of wine and my neurotic ideas marked by compulsive thinkingSaturday, January 24, 2004
I know this is silly but its now "my birthday celebrated day" and im feeling so sad and unloved. I always do this to myself--convince myself I don't care and then get really depressed when it seems like no one gives two shits about me. Ok, so i started out on cloud nine--ran down to pick up my two (unexpected) packages...only to find that one, from my grandparents, was a used X-Large long sleeved shirt not even for my birthday but for "returning to the country." NO mention of it being my birthday. Thats ok, they suck anyway, onto package two--the good stuff ala mom and dad. Welll not so good after all. A bunch of fucking makeup samples and the soap from a perfume i have been asking for for months (completely expected to get the perfume, but who cares about the fucking shower gel? Worst part: NO CARD. NOTHING. Just a shitty gift. OK, so the tears started...i called my mom. HER card is in the mail seperate and the perfume came later so its on its way. FINE, so the ONE gift they got me was something i knew i was getting--nothing creative added to it--and still, NO card from my Father. Jesus, I feel loved. So he just emailed me and says all this shit but nothing like how he used to write me. it's like he doesn't love me anymore. I've disappointed him or something. I can't get his scathing words from when i returned to denmark out of my head. he made me feel subhuman. So now i feel like i have no reason to be loved by my parents. i don't know, it's like they don't get me--and are always kind of half insulting and judging me since i've been home. OK so probably a lot of this is in my head but still...i feel so alone right now. I'm not writing him back--what would i say? THANKS FOR THE EMAIL? Um...no. But if i don't write back then maybe he'll just assume it didn't really upset me and he need not do anything for my birthday. i mean, he already kind of insinuated he wouldn't...and i couldn't help but feel like he was half mocking me in his email.
Thursday, January 22, 2004
Well i am feeling less pathetic, completely over the marco thing, and onto the path to happiness. Im starting to achieve balance again in my life and it feels wonderful. I still need to get into the complete groove of being in school, but i'm loving finding and rediscovering the joys of being comfortable, happy, and in love with life. I said in denmark "im ready for love again" ok, this might be true, but really i think i just needed to love living and being me again. in retrospect that really was hell by the end--i mean i just remember the darkness. the horrible, dark, cold. how fucking miserable. boston people are just happier as well--its so great to talk to people without being self conscious about my language. Yesterday I cleaned my apartment--like REALLY cleaned...I am finally staritng to feel like i own it again. I swear, everyday here just gets increasingly better. I'm so happy to have friends, health and opportunity. Denmark was certainly constructive in showing me what matters in life (i.e. school is not everything) and what is great about life. I'm not an angry person anymore...
My birthday is in three days. I don't know if i care or not. It's always been such a big deal for me but im just like, "Whatever...another day, another year, another candle on the cake" Big deal. I dont think im feeling deserving yet of "celebrating me"....the one thing that still needs a lot of repair lately is my ego. Somehow it has been shattered. but thats ok, rebuilding it will make it more grounded in reality.
Sunday, January 18, 2004
PS the only reason im online is cuz i was hoping marco would sign on. im so fucking pathetic.
I hate fucking homework. This semester just seems so fucking hard. Maybe its because i essentially got away with doing dick in denmark but jesus, im drowning. i can't seem to apply myself, all i can do is eat to excuse myself from more studying and it just sucks. Its so hard to get back to where i was before i left. i feel myself coming so close, but i am just not there yet. i have these bursts of weird emotions that are so powerful and irrational. I end up obsessing and forgetting my balance and control. God im even biting my nails! I had very strange dreams last night--i dreamt that james came to visit at the same time i had invited marco over to fuck me. the three of us ended up hanging out and i did ballet, which made james fall in love with me again. (he had broken up with shauna.) Dont ask me where these things come from...
I cant get over how much work i have to do and i havent even fucking had all my classes yet. im dealing with three classes currently, and i actually have five. tomorrow i need to go and get my computer science text book, as well as sign up for the tutorial. then i need to finish reading for all my classes, get my fucking reading journal up to date ( i feel like im in high school again--i actually have to keep a fucking notebook that will be randomly collected of all my reactions to the stories we read. i didn't do this for thursday, so i have ten entries to write. as if i fucking care about my own reflections. i hate shit like this.) Im so happy to be back in school, i just dont like brining school into my home life again. i wish it was just over when class was over. unfortunately that is hardly the case. Would you belive i have my first memo due next tuesday? Suck my balls, Strategy and Policy. Fuckin A.
