The Girl Who Knew Too Much
Just me, a glass of wine and my neurotic ideas marked by compulsive thinkingSaturday, February 21, 2004
Well i finally discovered what my over eating trigger is. It's doing something I am not mentally prepared to do. VERY IMPORTANT TO KNOW. Of course now i feel so sick and overstuffed that i can't think of anything except how much my stomach hurts. WHY do i do this???? Grrrrrrr....i hate it. I mean, BE NORMAL. Anywaysies, I think I will attempt to do something....
Friday, February 20, 2004
im an emotiionnal wreck today. i cant stop crying. i feel so ugly its sickening.
Wednesday, February 18, 2004
I think Im in love with my Nutrition Professor. I want him--badly. What do i do? How do i let him know? Is he married? Please God, give me a sign I'm not crazy and maybe he likes me too! Man, I'm so in need of romance...or in want. whatever. He's cute though and he seems lonely. I mean i could be wrong--he could be happly involved--but i see in him something that i know is in me. maybe i am projecting. fuck you freud. anyway, it's probably all in my head...my crazy, crazy head. speaking of which--i think im going blind! I bought new running shoes and got home to find the wrong pair in the box. man, that got me--now ill have to go running tomorrow in my stinky sneakers, and i mean STINKY. My feet STINK. And then i thought i was buying coconut extract at the grocery store but actually bought fucking chocolate extract. and i thought i was getting 6 oz. of salmon (enough for two meals) and the dude gave me a whole fucking fish. what am i going to do with an entire fucking fish? what does he think i am, a seal? :)
Ok, enough already...i have to decide which picture to print for my senior photos. where is my boyfriend when i need him. oh nutrition professor...how should i do this? office hours--feel him out. or maybe just be bold and ASK him out (for a healthy meal of course...) ok, ann, stop it you're pathetic. hahah...jesus, this is how one girl goes psycho. man, i really was looking forward to never putting those stinky shoes on again. ppooooey. i have a fucking crooked smile...ok, enough, time to choose. PRAY FOR MY LOVE LIFE...or AT LEAST my SEX life...and if you can't do that than PLEASE CAN I GET MY CORRECT SHOES TOMORROW. :) Thanks.
Sunday, February 15, 2004
for the first time since i have been back in the states i find myself truly relaxed and comfortable...with myself. i have seen two good movies in the last 48 hours about strong women, like myself, who are afraid and in search of love. But these are not cheesy romance comedies or stories for lonely hearts...they're real. they deal with the self scrutiny one undergoes when alone--the intense drive to find something to busy herself with for fear of solitary boredom. i dont know if im just tired or truly somber...but it has been nice to enjoy my apartment today. i need to relax more often--if only it came in recipe form. relaxation isn't about allowing yourself the time to relax, it's just something that pours over you when you least expect it. this feeling i have now is similar to orgasming after months of abstinence. i know that i need someone in my life...but for now all i can do is live my life and see what comes my way. perchance no one will, but i need to put myself out there more. i need to find a hobby, to do something with my spare time to make me feel fulfilled beyond direct responsibility. but, alas, for now, i will resign myself to power yoga and US magazine. Thankfully, i sense i am soon to draw a close to this recent infatuation with pop culture and once again start thinking and entertaining myself with real art and film. what's one more day, though?
Im feeling really "blah" today. It's like I've become the most borring person in the world and have nothing of any interest to say. I don't know what to do today. I never know what to do. I think too much about every fucking decision its sickening. Let's just run down the options. Well, i could go to the grocery store and do my nutrition lab (and pick up some groceries)...you see the nutrition lab needs to be conducted at the grocery store. but if i do that i don't want to go to star market because everyone will be going there. so that means ill want to go to whole foods on washington street which is kinda a hike. ok, then there's the option of going to pilates at 9 30 and then walking down to school and finishing my computer science program. But i don't think i am really in the pilates mood this morning. I defenitely need to shower. i also need to go to blockbuster and bitch at them for giving me bum tapes. ok...so where does this leave me? Oh right, so then there's option three...going down to school and working on my computer science and then meeting alex at 4 30 for power yoga (which i told her i would go to). but i just dont know if an hour and a half of downward facing dog is what i need right now. jesus christ. im so fucking pathetic. my life is shit. it's empty because i have no love in it. i need love. i used to use control to fight my impulses for love...but that only lead to an unhealthy lifestyle. i need to loosen up and love myself again and find someone to join me in the pursuit. well, for now i shower.
