The Girl Who Knew Too Much
Just me, a glass of wine and my neurotic ideas marked by compulsive thinkingSaturday, May 22, 2004
So he called...and let's give the read out:
a) He is not sure he wants to go
b) He forgot I had an interview
c) He refuses to have Kate and I pick him up, if he goes he wants to "meet us there"
d) He said he would call later and it's ten thirteen and no call.
Now, it may seem that I am neurotic because I listed all this out...and perhaps I am...but truth be told i really don't care if he comes or not. I mean what is meant to be is meant to be. Besides, I feel really fabulous tonight and fuck, I'm going to have fun either way. I'm only listing to note that he has some bizarre behavior. Well, good thing he called. Weird that he seems to want to go, but doesn't want a ride. Understandable he would forget about the interview--i mean i could give two shits, why should he? It's also annoying as hell that everytime he calls I can barely understand what he's saying cuz the reception at his place is bad or something...I still think signs point to "i'm just a fuck buddy." but we will see. If i am just that to him than I know never to sleep with a guy on the first date again--no matter how horny I am. I am sick of being only sex to guys...If you throw me a bone of encouragement, I would hope I could still provide some interesting fun. There was a time when I was only wanted for my personality. Oh how things change...oh how quickly I lose my confidence. I guess it only goes to show that I do like him if I keep the all guts ann on hold when i'm around him. It's nice to be stupid and kind of quiet. kind of. Not the last time though--fuck, i talked too much...made too many jokes. He likes to joke; I like to joke; I don't have to joke all the time just to please him, it moreover annoys him. I curse the overanalyzing gene that presides within me.
I'm really curious to see if he will call me today with an answer over whether or not he's coming out tonight. Something tells me he will say "no" I think i lost it and it's over. I don't know, I just think i broke every dating rule there is on "how to keep your man" But it's not like youre born with this knowledge of when to sleep with the guy and when to ask questions...and this is truly the first guy i've ever "dated" Oh well, it will be interesting on the off chance that he says yes because I now am heavily menstruating and won't even be able to have sex...which means that it will really turn him off and then i'll be forgotten. Fuckin hell, dating is just too complicated for me. I know what i learned though from my mistake--never fuck on the first date. very bad idea. It's like Charlotte says, "If you have sex on the first date then that's all your relationship will ever be." Too true, too true.
Thursday, May 20, 2004
I don't know how to date. Not at all. I totally flubbed up here I think. I think we had sex way too early...I don't think he really likes me anymore now...and I think he thinks I'm a slut. If not that, than overly clingy. Man, I just don't know how to read guys. He's so quiet and never really talks about himself. I don't think he likes to answer questions. I just don't get him. I feel like I'm being used for sex or something. I dunno...I just dunno. All i want to do is call him up after my interview and try to iniate a real "relationship" but i'm starting to get the feeling that's not what he is looking for from me. Instead, I think he justs want another poonan to crawl into and he's getting sick of mine. I tried to initiate "the conversation" you know--have you been tested? Do we have to continue to fuck with the condom on? And he laughed and was like "not since I got back from the marines." Me:"Well how many people have you slept with since then?" Him: "How many?" Me: "um...Yeah" Him: "I have a condom." Wow, that makes me feel all warm and gooey inside. I just feel a defenite negative change since we had sex...like I'm no longer a mystery or interesting or attractive or anything. I'm just easy. Dependable. A guaranteed fuck. God, boys are such trouble! Such trouble!
The sex is the best ever though...
for me at least!
Monday, May 17, 2004
The Three Things Everyone Needs:
-housing
-love
-work
Ok, so call me sex and the city addict, but it's true, you can never have it all. There is always something missing, and somehow what's missing makes all the good things seem less. I really want a job. I really need a job. But I want to feel some sort of stability, like I worked so hard in school and now I've earned something new. I don't want another job like a million that I've had before. I want to feel like college wasn't for nothing. I really need to just apply myself and truly search. Search, search, search. I am exhausted today--yet another night of not enough sleep. Well I suppose that's enough motivational blogging for today...or at least for now.
I have to get my car inspected and pick up my diploma.
