The Girl Who Knew Too Much
Just me, a glass of wine and my neurotic ideas marked by compulsive thinkingFriday, June 11, 2004
I've discovered why I like Zack. When I am around him I am like no one else. I can't control the conversation and win him over, as I do others, with my charm and personality. He forces me to communicate differently and doesn't apreciate me for the same reasons I can make most anyone else. It's probably the first time I've met someone who does that.
So I let him have sex with me without a condom last night. I have to say, it was wonderful. It's very hard for me to say "no" to him--something else that isn't very normal. It's weird though--although the sex and connection was intact, most defenitely, once again, he just passed out afterward. I don't mean like five minutes, it was like simultaneous. Very strange. He proceeded to then take up the entire bed and snore, so I left, out of lack of a good night's rest in too long i wasn't going to bring myself through the ringer again. I also met his friends last night. that was nice. All in all, I think it went very well, especially given my mood.
Yes, my mood. Boy issues are nothing to me right now. I found out yesterday that my parents will be moving on August 16th--that's right, they accepted an offer. Fucking scary. I don't really know how to take it...it's so shocking. I mean they have been talking about this since i was 16--i never really thought it would happen. I can't imagine life without them two hours away--not to mention the surrender of a homebase, my childhood room and all my belongings that I don't want in my apartment but I like to know are there for me when i need them.
More to come later--I have lots of other woes...but for now, i must get a move on...yay for good sex.
I've discovered why I like Zack. When I am around him I am like no one else. I can't control the conversation and win him over, as I do others, with my charm and personality. He forces me to communicate differently and doesn't apreciate me for the same reasons I can make most anyone else. It's probably the first time I've met someone who does that.
So I let him have sex with me without a condom last night. I have to say, it was wonderful. It's very hard for me to say "no" to him--something else that isn't very normal. It's weird though--although the sex and connection was intact, most defenitely, once again, he just passed out afterward. I don't mean like five minutes, it was like simultaneous. Very strange. He proceeded to then take up the entire bed and snore, so I left, out of lack of a good night's rest in too long i wasn't going to bring myself through the ringer again. I also met his friends last night. that was nice. All in all, I think it went very well, especially given my mood.
Yes, my mood. Boy issues are nothing to me right now. I found out yesterday that my parents will be moving on August 16th--that's right, they accepted an offer. Fucking scary. I don't really know how to take it...it's so shocking. I mean they have been talking about this since i was 16--i never really thought it would happen. I can't imagine life without them two hours away--not to mention the surrender of a homebase, my childhood room and all my belongings that I don't want in my apartment but I like to know are there for me when i need them.
More to come later--I have lots of other woes...but for now, i must get a move on...yay for good sex.
Wednesday, June 09, 2004
To Call or Not to Call: That is the Question
Zack is going away on Friday. I want to fuck him before he leaves. We should hang out tomorrow. I don't have my period anymore. I need sex. I need him. But he said he would call me...is it unkosher for me to do it? You know, because I don't want to get screwed over tomorrow with no where to go. Ah, fuck it, here goes...wish me luck. Maybe a movie? Let's see what's playing before I call...
ok i still haven't gotten the nerve...i'll keep u posted
Danish Motherfuckers, loose lips sink ships, Thank god I am in America:
By Ann
Well the Danes came. Without going into the sordid details of all of the horrible things i did i will only comment on the taste it left in my mouth: I was miserable in Denmark. Fucking miserable. As time goes by I can look at my experience with some laughter and apreciation for all it has taught me--but i was miserable. Why? Because I HATED the people there. I did not like them--and I did not like who I was around them. They didn't know me--they couldn't. I am not a big people person. I am not naturally a warm person either. I am initially cold. People who don't know, and speak English, usually assume me pissed or sad when I am really just happy.
But I have a life. The people who do get to know me, know me well and see something in me that is different from others. I am the person they turn to--I am well loved by those who crawl beyond the mere appearance of what I may be.
I never want to see Dusty or Nic again. I never want to see Morten again. I don't think I want him to stay with me. I do not like them. At all. I was miserable in Denmark.
Maybe someday i will understand my misery in greater depths...for now, I know only it made me weak. And I am not weak. I am strong, beautiful and I am going to do cool shit in life. I will not become a drinking loser, staying up all hours fucking my brains out in meaningless relationships and getting high. Making lame jokes. What is the point of a joke? I mean come on..they are not funny. Anyone who has a catalog of jokes that they tell at parties, etc, is sad and has lost the ability to simply joke around with the people they are with and make their own laughter spontaneous and genuine.
Now, the loose lips. After Nic tried to fuck me for about eight hours and Dusty molested my breasts and tried to make out with me for eight hours, I missed Zack. I realized that even if not everything is there in the personality/talking department--he makes me feel wonderful. I like being with him and there's something different about him. He's not ordinary and he does good things for me. So he called...and just when i was thinking about him! how perfect! So, I just said it, "i missed you..." Silence. no response. My bad. His response "I bet you did with all those europeans" Something lame like that. And then the brush off. "I have to get going, I'll call you sometime later." What a strange boy...but i have no regrets. I said what i felt--i only think it implies he didn't feel the same. That is how i take it, and i will continue to view our relationship as nothing serious--but i wonder, i wonder, if he feels that "something more" when we're together as well. I'm not talking love...but being with him is different. I do feel something. It's not everything, but it's something.
Good line, and too true.
I always have to cover my ass, even to my blog. Pretty pathetic, but my own method for survival. To the shower I go...
