The Girl Who Knew Too Much
Just me, a glass of wine and my neurotic ideas marked by compulsive thinkingFriday, July 02, 2004
Goh Mourne...
Why am i speaking Danish? Probably because I'm overtired, sore, and i just got my period. Did i mention I was at work? With nothing of any substance to do, mind you....
I've decided that I really don't like my job. I think I will keep it only as a temp position. But who knows, I could also use the money. Let's talk about yesterday though. I made two kids cry, was angry and disgruntled for the bulk of it. Then I got Happy: i was going to see Zack, I was looking cute (pig tails and red checkered bunch necked picnic top) and was ready to get drunk and down to business. Alas, he doesn't want to go out. My bubble deflates. What is this? Who are we? Why can't I just ask him how he feels about me? So i change into slumpy clothes, go over there and he's like "did you do something to your hair?" NOT something you say to a girl!!!! And no, I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING. Lots of "what's wrong?" as we sit admidst his frat boy roommates drinking beer and watching the red sox. Annoying question number one hundred and 62--just cuz im not talking doesn't mean anything is wrong!!! I mean i was laughing and watching the game. Sorry if i didn't just jump right into the conversation--it doesn't MEAN im having a BAD time! Then we go outside to smoke. "Are you sure you didn't color your hair?" Umm..."NO I'm not sure. I think the hair dying fairy must have come to me in my sleep and changed my hair to be redder?" Then "My room is better...lets go there..." Ok, amazing sex follows. Then ends. Then "Are you going to stay and cuddle a little bit?" Alright...good time to ask...but no, i stay silent. And he always makes fun of me. it makes me feel like he doesn't like me anymore. Then i leave and he barely says goodbye. Does he think about me when he is away? I think about him...
i am thinking about him...
Someday he and I will have a talk. I did read the marines flag in his room this time whlie i was there. Some interesting tidbits. One of my favorites, "Hope you might find that one, if not play on playa." Playa? Am I being played?
Welcome to the neurotic head of a girl who didn't get enough sleep, isn't an experienced dater, and just started her period.
Or should I say "goodbye" FROM the head of the neurotic girl, etc. Yes, neurotic is the appropriate word!!!!!!
Now what to do tonight? I have already decided i am NOT going to the gym. I am so sore already my ass feels disconnected from my body. I know I am going for a late dinner with kate though and I only hope I can hold my hunger down until then...Oy vey.
I did learn a last name finally though. Now THATS funny. I also googled him now. He is Catholic. Can we say "stalker"? Or maybe just REALLY bored at work...
Thursday, July 01, 2004
Yesterday when I was walking home from work I gave the display of Bill Clinton's book the finger. Last night I had a dream that I hooked up with Mr. Clinton while vacationing on the African coast. I think work makes me insane--insane and very numb. It is amazing how fast the week goes by as you sit anticipating the weekend. but then you think about it--am i just living for the weekend? That's pretty fucking empty. I don't want to spend my life living for my days off. I may be hanging out with Zack tonight. I have no idea what we are. I have no idea what either of us want eachother to be. He told me yesterday that he has all of next week off and is going to be spending it on the cape with his friend. This weekend he is going to the Jersey shore. Why doesn't he invite me? It's like, does he even want to see me? Does he fool around with other girls while he is at these places? Does he want to? Would he not do something out of loyalty to me? I don't think i would...well, i mean, i haven't. I just feel so numb about life right now that I can't distinguish how i feel about him or what i want from him. All i know, is that i hope we hang out tonight before he leaves and just have a crazy time. i don't want him as a serious friend, i want a play thing. i have enough serious friends, there is no need to include him in that. i regret having started to open up to him. ok, i should go back to work.
