The Girl Who Knew Too Much
Just me, a glass of wine and my neurotic ideas marked by compulsive thinkingFriday, July 09, 2004
My Speech for Zack:
Listen I want to be frank with you, so here goes:
I don't know where you stand in regards to me, and this is a first. So if i don't handle it in the most mature way, you'll have to understand. In the past I have usually understood a guy's intentions within two encounters. With you, I honestly have no idea. I guess this is part of what makes you different--unlike other men in my life--you are unpredictable--i.e. not borring. Because of this, I don't get bored with myself when I'm around you. Being bored by someone or their emotions is something that turns me off very quickly. However, last night I was confused. I know it was most likely all in good fun, but hearing you talk about how much you wanted to see Kate and I naked together reinforced to me that you don't have any interest in a relationship with me. I'm sure you were just joking, but given the context it was hard to tell after a point. This is fine, but like i said, i'm just not used to NOT knowing. I have had a threesome, I've had a foursome too. I've been around the block in my craziness and with you I feel something new and exciting, something I could settle into. I mean, usually it's either "oh my god i love you" or really just dirty. When I'm with you I feel something more than just sex. Physically, you make me feel amazing. But I don't want to be getting the wrong impression by going off of only instinct. After a certain point, instinct can only convince me so much, and I guess last night was that point for me. Maybe you don't feel anything different about me? I don't like getting jealous and confused...i just want to know what we are and how you feel.
Ok I think I need to print that out and keep it with me always so that the next time he calls I CAN JUST SAY IT. I feel like I need to right now. It is seriously weighing me down. I feel a huge lump on my chest and i just want to peel it off....expunge it so i don't feel so heavy. I think I have said everything here that needs to be said, however. Let me know what you think.
Wednesday, July 07, 2004
Looking at Life
I've decided that i'm going to think of life like small stones directing where you will go. if there is one thing i still have, its my faith that a fulfilling life lies ahead of me...and anything that brings me down or makes me feel now will bring me closer to realizing my potential. i want to be successful--more than anything i just want to be proud of how i spend my time. i.e. the work that i had. right now im looking into personal shopper positions. although it may sound like a frou frou job, its something i've always enjoyed and been good at. people need me to go shopping with them. furthermore, working at macys will give me huge opportunities at upward mobility and relocation possibilities. also, it will provide me a background for starting my own business eventually. i am a creative person. i don't like not feeling creative. i also don't like being so sedentary. it really just makes me tired. i know i would get tired walking around helping people all the time, but at least i would be moving. sitting at a desk is just the pits.
I kinda know that zack has given up on me. i dont know what i did, or didnt do, but i feel i have been dumped. someday i will find the right person though...i know it will come. i think right now im just at the denial point. i went through the "almost crying" point...and now im just like WHATEVER. it just gives me less distraction to finding my job--so like everything in life propels you to what you really want and need, this is propelling me to concentrate on finding a job that i really enjoy going to. it may take awhile, and while it does i can work here and make money. plus, because im applying for retail positions, i can interview on the weekends when i am not working at channing. it makes sense--it will work. of course the competition is stiff, but im attractive and i do have a keen fashion sense.
I need a crazy night though. i need to smoke and drink and maybe do some drugs or something. i long to be around my california crowd and am contemplating taking a trip out to visit cassie or something. oh wait, im working, right? :) There's always the weekends...leave friday night, get back on sunday...not too bad....
anyway, i've been dumped and i hate my job--but i am planning, and that is the difference.
Ann
Tuesday, July 06, 2004
The Read Out.
Once again, I am convinced Zack has officially given up on me. He has not returned my call, didn't phone me all weekend--frankly, he's not thinking about me. It's over between us--whatever it was to begin with. I don't know what I did, or didn't do, but it didn't work out. If only I had been able to open up a little more, maybe it would have worked. Now we'll never know. I feel like I've been dumped for the first time in my life. I know I will bounce back ok...but it's still a morbid feeling of rejection that i have oozing about in my veins. I failed to get the catch. Time to start looking again...I knew he was too good to be true. I feel sick at work. I think im still recovering from my massive food binge yesterday in my depressed state. I am eager to feel like myself again, but I doubt this will happen until tomorrow. Until then I am destined to be tired and have an upset stomach--both from depression, rejection and overstuffed food cramps. The office is now holding their "Thai party." I refrained, due to my upset stomach wanting nothing and especially not greasy food. Oh man. I did, however,finally compose an email to Morten telling him not to come. Cruel, insensitive, mean, all of the above--completely necessary you may ask? Absolutely. I feel better already. I also apoligized to my Mother. I was a total shit this weekend. Sometimes I just can't stand the way I handle my emotions. I want to tell Zack I like him--I don't. I want to tell my Mom how much i love her and will miss her--I act like she is pissing me off. I want my brother to feel he can come visit me whenever..i freak him out by teling him i get worried when he's quiet. Through all this i get so upset with myself that i don't like being alone either. i'm just not happy. In some ways, being alone now is worse than anything. Being alone with myself makes me deal with who i am becoming--the adult i am growing to be and its scary. Sometimes i just dont know how to deal really. i wish i had someone on the inside..i wish someone really wanted to crawl into me and help me. i really wish that person was zack. but you know what i hate more than anything? Is sounding weak like this. i'm not weak--and i dont need "saving." But sometimes, like these last few days, i need some deep, long hugs and some reassurance that I am looked after.
