The Girl Who Knew Too Much
Just me, a glass of wine and my neurotic ideas marked by compulsive thinkingThursday, July 15, 2004
A Pensive Morning
I woke up this morning feeling robbed of sleep. I couldn't believe it was time to get going for the day. I have felt off since this bad start. It's like I'm not completely here. I crave excitement. I'm starting to realize that I would benefit from a more social work atmosphere. Being left to my own devices with only a computer for entertainment makes me depressed and lethargic. I'm also starting to realize how much a creature of weather I am. I need the sun, it mirrors my spirit. When it is rainy, or overcast, I am hopeless. I don't want to live my life like this. Waiting for the sun. In studies, Californians are less prone to depression due to the climate. My parents are going Californian, why not me too? The only thing really keeping me here are the people. The people and the pace of boston. I love this city--when the weather permits one to love it. Perhaps Californians do not apreciate a sunny day to the same extent, but they never have to deal with the dull and numbing existance of a persistent sandwiching of gray days between the few sunny spots. And it seems to be getting worse as the years go on.
On a different note. I sent Zack a retarded text message which i already regret this morning. sometimes i just crave weirdness to intersperse itself in the humdrum of daily routines.
Wednesday, July 14, 2004
Word.
I am on crack today. I spilled my coffee all over my desk, into my computer, that was fun. I hate the weather, it depresses me and kills my drive. I turned down the job here because they want two years commitment. Fohget it. Two years of suckage from my life, i don't think so. Lately I have been toying with the idea of going into promotions/modelling. Everyone always tells me I should model...but when I go to the web sites and look at other amateur models I defenitely don't think I have what it takes. Maybe I feel differently though after I get my hair done on saturday. I have been working hard all morning at pulling the nail polish off my nails and trying to conceal the fact I have yet to do an ounce of work aside from a few phone calls. Blah. Im just feeling out of it and yucky today. my stomach kinda hurts, my hands are freezing and im just bored.i hope zack hasnt called me because he is tired and not because he thinks of psycho and this weekend really freaked him out. i hope california boy isnt calling because he is sauve and will wait until tomorrow or even....friday! ok, im on crack. for the latter, i will settle for him not calling because i didnt seem that interested.
word.
Tuesday, July 13, 2004
Im at work. As always my hands are cold. I'm listening to hip hop, i'm already preparing for the weekend. God, im just feeling so sexual these last few days. i seriously want to jump zack so badly right now. im interested to know if california boy will call me. i kinda want him too just so zack can ask me on the same night what i am doing and i can say "going on a date." evil, i know. in my head i see his naked body in dim lighting reaching up to turn on the music before we have sex...that's what i see and it's what i want. i think ever since i showed him my "emo" side i just want to be with him..it's like my insecurity has melted and i feel he has accepted the worst of me--which is my neuroticness. i think a lot of this also has to do with the fact that my work is just about the most borring place ever and seriously breeds horniess and boredom. *large sigh* my body has been in pain lately and ive been eating so much. i have become obsessed with my hair appt on saturday and i cannot wait to dye it. i want some serious blondness. its fucked up, but it seems that whenever i am in a relationship (please imagine that in quotations because i wouldnt want to make it seem a fact) i want to be blonde. i think it gives me more confidence and breeds a more "social" ann, as opposed to "Intellectual work Ann" I am just feeling so great lately...when im out of work that is...and am finally becoming comfortable in my skin again. ive been working out so much and building muscle and it really helps me feel better about my body. it's like it gives me power or something. and im finally starting to improve my posture, etc. except of course for right now because i am hunched over at a desk blogging in an over air conditioned lab.
Ok, im outie this is borring as shit. its almost as bad as my work. this is what im becoming, fucking borring. i feel like im fifteen today--im wearing punk rock underwear with skulls on it and a very punky outfit. i feel like im trying to dress like billie joe from green day again. i kinda like it. by the way,i want california boy to call.
WORD. MOMMA. Ok, brain fry over, back to kidney stones......................................
Monday, July 12, 2004
Jesus Christ where to start:
Let's forget about trying to catch up in the whirlwind of what has happened and instead focus on the present. I'm fucking horny and I want Zack. I just want him. I don't care if he has issues expressing his fucking emotions. That's fucking fine with me...I just want to have fun with him. If i get hurt, i get hurt. if he doesn't want to say lets be exclusive, then i'll date other people. I don't care. I don't need a fucking husband. As long as he can confirm in his total half asses way that he has feelings for me, that's fine. he makes me happy again. I love his lips...i love his body. yummy.
