The Girl Who Knew Too Much
Just me, a glass of wine and my neurotic ideas marked by compulsive thinkingWednesday, July 21, 2004
There's this guy at my work who i just don't like. He is so...annoying! Everytime I see him he engages in these conversations...and i can't put into words exactly how annoying it is, but suffice to say he is just strange and seriously gets on my nerves. Its been awhile since i've had to deal with someone like this--they bring out the worst side in me--my absolutely intolerant one. They turn me into the impatient, arrogant, judgemental hoe i can sometimes be. This job is so utterly dismal it is mind numbing. I've never had a cubicle job before, so this is a first. In the beginning it was kind of exciting--oo look at me, i'm in a cute little cubicle that i can decorate and make my own--just like in the movies! Well trust me, it is not remotely so glamerous. I wonder how much longer i can stomach this. i must find alternate employment. I really hope to meet with rick tonight. I just want to get it over with--i want to know what he will say...i want to know if i can give my notice at this hellhole and move onto something where i don't know what to expect, instead of feeling like i have everything figured out in a deadend job. i pity the person who is so financially unstable that they must take this job for two years. Im thinking two more weeks, tops. At this point I think i would rather be selling shoes. At least then you are interacting with people and making a difference, leaving some kind of personal imprint. I wonder who the next President will be. In a sick way, I kind of want it to be Bush. I mean, i really don't know either way, and i realize that it is like sacrilage to want Bush among my generation, but maybe that's why it appeals to me. I wonder if Zack will vote, and if so, who he will vote for. I think if i have another day of no work im cutting out of here mad early. Skipping lunch and just leavign this dump mad early. That way I can go to the gym and still be home by a decent hour. I also want to stop at Body Shop and pick up their new spray on oil. It's so cool! (and exactly what i DON'T need)! Ok, i just got work to do. I think it will take me all of ten minutes to complete, but i must be efficient!
Tuesday, July 20, 2004
My new obsession: Everything involving my looks.
As I think more seriously about this whole modelling thing i see myself majorly scrutinizing myself in a way i never have before. I don't like it...the more intelligent voice in my head just says, you are who you are, if they want you, thats cool, but you cant change what you are. and i gotta keep thinking like that. i mean if he meets with me and tells me to lose five pounds and dye my hair black i think i might just scream.its times like these i just want zack to come up to me and say "you're beautiful Ann" who knows, maybe i wont even meet with this guy, but the way hes talking is exciting and scary. i totally love my new hair cut. its like ive been given an entirely new attitude and bounce. like my hair actually MOVES now......jesus, im fucking bored.
Monday, July 19, 2004
So my site actually got my friend in trouble at work due to its domain name. I suppose it is dangerous for me to be writing in here. So for some reason I have been very content lately. I feel very strong and over whatever depressive hump i found myself in last week. I feel alive and peaceful. I am sure this will not last, but for now it is deliriously delicious to be soaking it up. I absolutely love my new hair. I washed it for the first day and it curled up in the most delightfully cute tundrills. I can't believe i was ever attractive without this hair. As i walked to work this morning my hair bounced on my shoulders like it hasn't in years and turned many an admiring head. I have never felt so good. I just opened a water and it exploded all over my desk. My bad. I also have a rather painful infected paper cut on my hand, but such is life. I really hope this modelling shit works out. I would love to try something completely new to me. I am really sick of being bored with life. Yesterday while watching The Notebook, and while walking to the theatre, it became apparent to me how much Zack has done for me. It's like he turned on a light that had been long forgotten and I am now bursting with happiness and confidence. I really kinda feel like he saved me from a dangerous path I had been sliding down for the last few years. When i look at all that happened to me since my break up with James, it is a war path of misfortune. First, the Jen crisis. Then, finding a new place to live in a week. Living with psychos in a loveless house. Falling into finding happiness through control. Not allowing anything spontaneous in my life. Mom gets cancer. Dad falls to me. CORE and all the turmoil that followed. Denmark, the final abandonment of self. It was like I was no one while i was there. Shock at the hatred I received when i returned. Even more lost, because i realized finally that i had lost myself. and now, i feel like I'm 18 again. before Brian went crazy, before James, before all the sordid affairs of the past. When i was innocent and in love with myself. I don't know, but zack has done more for me then he will probably ever know. I have no idea how serious what we have is, but he has given me a second chance at happiness.
