The Girl Who Knew Too Much
Just me, a glass of wine and my neurotic ideas marked by compulsive thinkingSaturday, July 31, 2004
My letter to my Mom:
Subject: Zack
I think i need to let him go. I think i may like him in such a way that i need more from him than he is willing to give. or can give. I called him last night, left a message, told him where court and i would be. he text messaged me back that he couldnt make it. went out, had fun, hooked up with marco, got home, passed out, zack called twice, i didn't answer and he didn;t leave a message. I know he was only calling for sex. So on the one hand its nice to know im still on the "drunk dial" list, but on the other hand, right now i need more than that. Hooking up with Marco was empty and unfullfilling. But i needed to feel in control of the situation and he gave me that. Im actually looking forward to Morten (not Morgan =) ) coming. Who knows. I did like him enough in Denmark to make him Number 2.
Anyways, that's what's new in my life. I don't want to let go of Zack, but I don't think I will get what I need from him and I don't want to try to make him give something that he doesn't want to.
I think this summed up pretty well how I'm feeling. I feel like I just need to let him go. I'm reluctant, but this time I mean it. I can't take his extreme pull away pull close patterns. I need the in between sweetness. The middle ground of intimacy where you can just call someone and they are there for you because they care. And you care. So I think I am going to erase his number from my phone. Otherwise I will be too tempted to call. I think I'm being very honest with myself right now in seeing that the relationship I want with Zack won't happen and I should pull out now.
Time to grieve...then move on.
Thursday, July 29, 2004
Jesus Christ, here we go again... First of all, something is seriously messed with blogger and it is not allowing me to press return. Secondly, Zack. He didn't even kiss me last night, much less be nice to me or want to sleep with me or touch my titties. Im so confused. It makes me want to cry. I think im over emotional right now but i just don't get it. Marco is back in town. I fear I'm losing/have lost Zack as a companion. I don't think he wants to see me anymore. I am struggling to stay happy by wearing an obnoxiously pink outfit and glitter but I don't think it is working. I've also resorted to Green Day. I am resigned to suck Marco's cock tonight if Zack does not contact me today. I don't think he will and I WILL NOT CONTACT HIM.
Tuesday, July 27, 2004
I tried to write something this morning but it didn't print. That's blogger for you. Pisser. Anyways, Im feeling the normal PMS blah. You know that "numb" feeling I have described before? Not hungry not full not happy not sad not excited not disappointed. Just a general numbness to all that is surrounding me. Though I have to say I am LOVING all my online purchases. It has been so long since i have purchased CDs and it feels great to have so much new music in so many different genres. I really am "digging" it. Im starting to get urksome about Morten's visit. I don't know, i just don't like people staying with me period. Regardless of who they are. I have been feeling a lot of comfort lately sleeping with the stuffed pig that Gorden Bradon gave me. I have kept VERY little from my childhood room. Only ONE stuffed animal really survived, and that is my pig. It's weird. It's just so "me" I thought of keeping my Mr. Mailman Bear, or Mrs. Rusty, but it was the pig who won out. Ironically it was the only gift i received that i absolutely hated. I was a bitch when i got it. And it became, in the eyes of my parents, the epitome of my spoiled soul and the source of a good spanking. And somehow, because of the shame I felt in rejecting the gift intially, I have always kept her. Its like she teaches me a lesson in not hating people so much that I become a mean and selfish person. she is a reminder to keep me in the present and connected, listening to those around you. Anyways, I have enjoyed snuggling with her lately. I miss Zack, but I don't want a "crazy sex night" and i don't know if he can give me the affection i really need right now. I just want to be held. nothing more. i don't want to feel like sex is expected. we have never seen eachother and not slept with one another. Crazy, i know. Anyways, I really should get started on this dictation i have to do. Im not sure what my plans are for tonight, i might work on fixing and cleaning my apartments many "mess holes" better. We'll see. Oh and last night I got smuggled into taking a fucking Step PLUS class and let me tell you, I have never made a bigger ass of myself in my life. I will NEVER do that again and i think step is the LAMEST thing in the world and I HATE IT and I think the people who take step classes are ON CRACK and should take REAL FUN exercise classes like kickboxing and yoga which actually work your mind as well. STEP SUCKS. ITS FOR WEIRD SUPER HAPPY SMILEY GIRLS WHO ENJOY BEING FUCKING BARBIE FREAKS ON METHAMPHETAMINES.
nothing sucks more than waking up at the ass crack of dawn from a dream where someone was ascreaming at you and you were struggling to find the best words for a come back. that just sucked. i guess ill fucking go running now. sometimes i hate my life.
