The Girl Who Knew Too Much
Just me, a glass of wine and my neurotic ideas marked by compulsive thinkingSaturday, August 07, 2004
We finally talked. I told him everything. I think I like you more than you like me...BLAH BLAH BLAH...I need more from you....etc....you are the third person I've ever fucked.
Him: "come over this would be easier in person"
NO
Why not? Please
Im tired. if you have something you really want to say to me you will do so when it's not three in the morning.
Please take care of me. I don't know if I can sleep tonight.
I'm sorry.
Silence....
You there?
Me: Yeah
Me: Listen i just wanted you to know that i do care about you but I don't think this is going to work.
Silence
Snoring. Yes he FELL ASLEEP WITH ME ON THE PHONE. Honestly, I don't care anymore. I've detached myself from him and this is what I needed. He doesn't care about me. Anyways, I had wonderful sleep. My dreams were so funny that i actually woke up laughing.
Zack is fucked up and I hate him. Love, Ann
Thursday, August 05, 2004
Last Thought. I just have to keep saying to myself that I'm smarter than this melodrama. I can see that we are not going to work. He kinda hurt my feelings but jesus, who cares.
More Thinking. I've always had a philosphy about life. It has helped me in the past. It's like everything happens for a reason--people come in and out of your life and there's nothing you can really do but allow yourself to follow your heart and see where time leads you. No matter what, something and someone new will always appear. You never know when, but you just have to realize that of course new people come. And when things are not meant to be, they just aren't. You can't force relationships or your future. You can do things like get an education, etc, which are like insurance for the future, but really you don't know and can't predict what will happen. This is life: keeping your eye looking ahead and realizing though times may be rough, they always smooth out.
I HATE HIM Right now im so angry and bored that i just want to call him and have the "closure conversation." I said if he didn't call by eight tonight it was over. O-V-E-R. Well, I think i'm right...I think he just WON'T EVER CALL ME AGAIN. In which case i know have to deal with this. I am feeling so rejected right now. It's weird how sometimes it can seem like this whole thing is nothing--no big deal at all--and other times i feel like i wanna crawl into a ball and cry. He just rejected me so wrongly...I mean I think I should deal with it, and I will deal with it, I mean I know I'll be fine and life is grand and now i have all this freetime and BLAH BLAH BLAH, but fact of the matter is i was still REJECTED. I am a REJECT. I guess i just don't like it when things don't work out and I have no real reason but my own idea to ascertain why this is so. I hate talking about it so much, but if i don't get it out in here i may actually be tempted to either inflict this on my friends and family and become "that girl" or try to tell him and become a different kind of "that girl." Niether girls i really want to be...the one who can't handle saying goodbye or the one who insists on pretending that it's still all about "hello." Well, goodbye.
Pisser. For the first night in a long time (ok a few days...) it was not blazingly hot and I didn't have a Danishman in bed with me. So naturally I feel robbed when my alarm goes off and I'm sleeping like a baby and it's pitch black due to rain. I just want more sleep dude! Oh well, off to work I go. I'm feeling pretty good this morning. I'm readjusting to complete independence and it is safer, calmer, and well ALL ABOUT ME. Which isn't all that bad, now is it? Anyways, another day of a frumpy outfit and hurt ankle/knee should make me continue to feel the weight od not having to impress anyone. I am, however, looking forward to going out this weekend and having a good time hitting the dancefloor. Im going to call Rick today, and hope to get something from him, but I can't help but predict that nothing is going to come out of my little "modelling career." Needless to say, my expectations are not high. To the makeup bench and bathroom I go...oh, by the way. I finally cracked open Freaks and Geeks and Significant Others, two series I recently purchased in my over-zealous internet shopping fury....wow, what great shows! I'm really looking forward to watching more! I had a nice night last night, it was very relaxing and yesterday was the first full day of "all Ann" for awhile. Felt good. Especially since i didn't have any neurotic freak outs and didn't even think of checking my phone. Ok, well maybe i did AFTER i watched two episodes of my shows....
Wednesday, August 04, 2004
I can Make a life for myself. Why wallow in it? Why care? I feel much better today and much more indifferent to the entire situation. I am ready to take control of my life. After indulging in insane amounts of ice cream and cookies last night with no shame because i have no one to impress, loving my unshaven crotch and hairy legs, I'm enjoying the single life again. I have no one to worry about, no plans that MAY or MAY NOT happen...I can make a life for my self. it's a good feeling. Im fun, sexy and smart...the last thing I need is to waste my time thinking about some asshole who isn't going to call me anyway. There's no worse feeling than struggling to hold on to something that's slipping away. Last night I saw the most gorgeous man at the supermarket. He was blonde, blue eyed, tall as fuck, buff as fuck and man when he smiled at me I could have jumped him in the back. I've got to stop all my old habits--no more TV, chill on the TV and concentrate on getting shit in order. I feel a surge of productivity. I can beat this. Today is the first day I feel i've let go and im just doing my own thang. I've got to find a job.
Tuesday, August 03, 2004
You know what? It's going to hurt whether or not I call him. It's going to hurt no matter if he calls me back after I leave a message or he doesn't. It's just going to hurt. That's part of letting someone in..it doesn't feel so good when they leave their cultivated spot. I shouldn't be so stupid over calling or not calling...so i call and doesn't return it? What makes that any worse than him never calling me back? Nothing except in my petty mind I think I maintain some sort of dignity because I don't call? Like an "I didn't care about either" kind of attitude? Does that really make me cool? Wouldn't I feel a little better knowing I did everything possible to give the fucker a chance to explain himself...and to give myself some closure. Just to know...
Absolute Torture Ok, well I just deleted all zack's messages from my phone. Am i trying to make myself more upset than i already am? What the fuck happened between us? Why am i getting the "fizzle" as Steve calls it? Why can't it work between us? I don't want to dwell on it. It's over I have to deal. The more I dwell the more tempted I am to call and we both know that will only upset me more so let's leave it as is, ok ann? So instead I am going to be incredibly borring now and talk about what I have planned for today and the rest of the week because that will make me feel like i have some sort of purpose in life. So after work I will go to the gym. At the gym I will do my normal weight routine and then take the Taoist yoga class with the weird bald man who kind of looks like Bruce Willis. I will get out at seven and go to the grocery store to pick up water, mushrooms, and eggplant. Then I will go home and make a delicious meal and eat it while watching my first episode of Freaks and Geeks. Then I will put together my new table, if I'm feeling ambitious, have a cookie and go to bed. Next day: Wake up, go running, eat breakfast, go to work, MAYBE meet Court again for lunch, (anything to distract me from checking my phone every two seconds to see if hes called even though i know he hasnt because i have my ringer on "super obnoxious" so as not to miss anything)...Here's the deal. Him and I SHOULD be over the power struggle with the phone. We've been seeing eachother for two months. So let's say I play "being the big one" and call him. Seeing as he has been ignoring most of my calls he will probably do this again and force me to leave a message. If this is the case then a) what the fuck do i say on the message? and b) if he decides to let me "fizzle" and doesn't call me back then I will be the pathetic girl who "couldn't get the hint"......I will officially be groveling. But you know, as im writing this i am starting to think i sound retarded. I AM ENTITLED to something..i mean i didn't think he would dick me over this much. He could at least let me know he's not interested anymore. I mean, what the fuck? WHAT THE FUCK? I haven't done anything... Why does this have to be so difficult? Between battling pride and emotion/vulnerability he leaves me absolutely torn. Where is that strong person who can just say goodbye and walk away before she gets hurt? Oh yeah, she's learning how to let people in and baby, doesn't feel too good does it? Well maybe, ann, you should remember when it DID feel good and just move on from there. So he's not "the one" get over it, move on, just because you won't have what you wanted doesn't mean something better can't be yours. You thought you had it all with James, how wrong you were. And how wrong you are now in assuming you could have it all with Zack. Accept it....accept it and don't call him. It's not worth it.
