The Girl Who Knew Too Much
Just me, a glass of wine and my neurotic ideas marked by compulsive thinkingThursday, August 12, 2004
by the way i KNOW i cant spell peanutt but i think it looks sexier with 2 t's
i like diet coke with lemon. i like peanutt butter. i like to dance. i like to nod my head while im typing because it makes it more exciting. i like oldies stations at work because it is good music to bob my head to while typing. wow, this is kind of fun i think i could start a new revolution or something. i need to find a good job. i cannot take this sitting at a computer all day stuff it kills me. im so lazy and out of it i think im going to lose my teeth from all teh candy i consume to stay alert. though i dont really KNOW WHAT im staying alert FOR. ok, back to work. no more head bobbing. you should try it though. word.
Wednesday, August 11, 2004
Sado-Masicist. I can't spell. I should change it to: I LIKE TO HURT MYSELF. I feel like i followed all the cosmo rules about not calling...etc...and worrying about being a good "relationship prospect" with zack and all it landed me was an emotional fury. So now, i'm just going with the flow. I keep taking these chances...i know i should remain "aloof" etc, be "unattainable" but frankly, I don't care. I mean I'm going to be me...and i don't play stupid games like who calls who, etc. in the process of course, i hurt myself a little...aside from my throbbing knee i think i've been pretty darn happy this week. i can't believe or imagine life without courtenay and i still hate my job, but other than that nothing much. in fact i've been feeling more and more like myself...
Tuesday, August 10, 2004
Sick of feeling DISPOSABLE: I just want to be needed. Over the weekend i ferlt Zack needed me and i loved it. But i dont feel that way anymore. I feel like no one needs me and frankly, it makes mef eel like i could go down the garbage disposal and no one would care. I'm not asking for "neediness", i just want to be SOMEONE's "Number One." The person you call when the shit hits the fan...and i want a guy to need me. I like it when people come to me, i like to help. Maybe it goes back to one of my first nicknames, "Busy Body"--I ENJOY being in other people's business. my god, could the clock move ANY slower? I really feel like today is simply DRAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGING....
Something in the Air. There's just something off about today. Not sure exactly what it is but it's causing me to be very intraspective and well, unwise socially. You see, when i get intraspective i think i'm brilliant. I'm so enamoured by my own thoughts and pattern that i want to share this world with others. but truth be told, not many people are as big of dreamers as i am...especially when im in this state. it is basically the antithesis to the crazy ann who fucks in the woods. i swear, i must have a split personality. anyway, i did something risky and stupid. I emailed zack a very loving email. but you know what? i don't care. i'm not surprized that he hasn't responded and i don't even expect him too. you see, i came to this realization this morning...i am who i am. If i feel something and its something nice about someone else, why not tell them? any worries of it scaring them or giving them power are a reality i would have to make come true. just because you give your love to someone doesn't mean you give them power over you. if they can't take it, that's their fault. im learning so much about relationships and confidence this summer, its really nice. i like my new attitude with zack. i am not going to get my panties in a bunch over him. if he doesn't like my personality then there's no loss because already we are not in a relationship to break up about. anyway, i took a risk all the same. last night all my sex and the city arrived. i think the show was so much better back in seasons one and two. it just occured to me last night after having been recently watching the more current episodes. anyway, i learned a lot last night...or was reminded of a lot of things i had forgotten. its funny how movies and entertainment mean completely different things to you depending on what's going on in your life when you watch them. like i never understood all the episodes about the Big break up the first time around...now i get them. i get them all too well. ive met someone who has the same physical power over me and it is truly consuming. i think that is the best word to describe it: a touch, a look, a tone in his voice....consumes you. i told this to zack this morning. i don't think he liked it but i needed to tell him. if i dont try to share my thoughts than i will never know the right person to receive them. oh wow, my favorite roy orbinson song just came on the radio...this song reminds me of lying in my bed at the age of 8 trying to fall asleep and dreaming of love and life and all the things that would happen to me. i've been so lucky, i thinki have the keys to everything i ever dreamed of. im beautiful, confident, smart, and hopefully soon ill be working and fall in love. but already, i've had so much love in my life i shouldn't really complain. roy orbinson has one of the most beautiful voices ever. i think its sad that so many people dont apreciate older music and movies. there is so much beauty in the past, just as there is an immense amount of fun and excitement in the present and future.
Monday, August 09, 2004
My friends blog has inspired me to be fragmented:
Don't want to go to work
Hate Mondays
What the fuck is wrong with Zack?
Why do I need to be loved so badly?
I want to fuck
I want to be held
I want him to call
I don't want to go to work
I have to pee
I want a real job
Why won't anyone hire me?
I love sex
I haven't had it in awhile
Is it my hair? LOL
Sunday, August 08, 2004
So in thinking more about Zack and mine's conversation...I have a thought: Ok, if i told him that i thought he would never call again...i think in a weird way i gave him a lisence to back out BY NEVER CALLING AGAIN. It's like I made the option ACCESSIBLE to him. So naturally, he hasn't called! LOL. I don't even know..he just amuses me at this point. Like what the fuck planet is he living on? Jupiter? I think even Jupiter would be a little too sane to describe the kind of behavior this odd ball has been exerting. you want to know the weird thing though? I like oddballs...i always have. I like weird people. The fact that i STILL dont have this motherfucker pegged entices me to continue to hold some kind of flame for his sexy body. But, the difference now is that I KNOW a relationship WILL NOT work...and KNOWING that feels so FUCKING GOOD. It allows me to be interested in what MAY BE, with no expectations. It's kind of fun. I want to meet Evan this week. I'm thinking Wednesday night maybe. We'll see how i feel. I'm deliriously happy this morning. I love my life. I love this weather. I just want to cry im so fucking happy. Now i have to go say goodbye to my parents. I feel like their leaving is allowing me to complete the gift of my life being solely my own. It's like they are handing me the final set of keys or something. I dig it. I really dig it. I am so ready to drive my own car, and it is a HOT FUCKING VEHICLE. By the way, Court--we are SOOOOOO AB FAB! I have thought that myself...LOL. Just as wacky and EVEN MORE FUN!!!!!!!! Love you girl :)
